Posts

Eye to uncomfortable eye

Sometimes, it just doesn't feel right for me to look at someone in the eye. Primarily, around new people, I don't mind talking while looking at anything but them. Many people assume that I'm ignoring them, and hence, create a bad first impression towards them. Occasionally around people I know, friends being the most recent example, I tend to look away when I'm speaking. Taking last week into consideration, I was waiting for the city bus, swiftly looking in my pants for some pocket change to afford the ride, with my friend by my side. We were sitting, and the sunset was looking especially stunning. I kept staring westward while talking to my friends at the same time. To me, it felt like just a normal conversation, it felt quite comfortable. I didn't really see much harm, or really wrong with me talking without any eye contact. It feels much better than seeing others, which makes me feel quite uncomfortable. I also wasn't ignoring him either. While watching …

"Why are you texting me if you're right next to me?"

Trust me when I say Autism and Anxiety do not mix well at all. I've had multiple times where my Anxiety acts up a lot to the point of an Anxiety attack and my autism prevents me from saying anything to people because I lose the ability to communicate with others because of how anxious I get. As you can see, they really don't mix well, and just like so many other people, this is something I experience on a frequent basis. Just like I'm saying, the experience when this happens isn't pretty, I feel like I have no power left in me, I feel useless, I feel like I can't do anything to fix whatever is going on with me, and the fact that I can't really tell others how I feel when I get an Anxiety attack escalates the problems. There are many examples of these types of situations in a public setting involving many individuals, myself included, I've had so many Anxiety attacks, but there's this one time in the 8th grade where the same reason gave me an Anxiet…

A recap

It's been so long since I've blogged, and I'm so happy to be back and continue to stick with this community. As time progressed, so much has happened to me throughout these past few months that I mourn not blogging, because lots of things that involve my disability have happened, lots of discrimination and lots of issues that I feel like I don't deserve. I'm not going to make this blog super long like a lot of other ones that have more information, since this blog is for the most part going to be a recap of what has happened these three months that I've hadn't been blogging that I feel is blogworthy. Like I already mentioned, I have been a target of lots of discrimination, and it makes me feel a bit of sorrow that within these past three months, the people around me still haven't changed, yet I have taken large amounts of self-discipline to change for my own better, not the better of others, because at this point I don't really care about what …

What look?

Throughout the many discrimination comments that I have received in the past 14 years or so, their has been lots of comments that I still remember to this day. "He will never succeed", "what causes autism", "autism means retarded, right?" And the comment that I have personally received from my aunts and uncles in which you guys know I hate so much "you don't belong in this world" and "now I know what they mean by autism speaks" (fun fact about me, I don't like autism speaks, I feel like they aren't doing a good job of spreading awareness as they are in making money). Their is one comment in particular though that I have received from many people who have met me, some who are new to the autism community, and others, like regional center workers who have had training experience in the autism community, to my own family. That comment is "you don't look autistic." That comment surely doesn't make me feel m…

Beyond the fundamentals

Meltdowns, struggles in communication, and various types of regressions are common among the autism community. Those are the type of areas that people tend to observe the most, since it's very common. However, their are many more traits out there. When I was younger, they only told my mom the main areas of autism, so many 'odd' things that I did that they didn't mention to her seemed like a bad thing to her, and I would be punished as a result. My cousin is in the same boat as well, as his mom would call these smaller traits 'oddities' and would tell him to stop them. I never knew that these uncommon traits were a part of me, so when I finally found out, I was relieved to know that I wasn't being "rude" or "disobedient" or "lazy" (basically any type of discrimination people would bash at someone autistic), it was a part of me. In today's blog, I'm going to disclose some autistic traits of mine that aren't very c…

Mainstream outcomes

School is a very important aspect of my life in various ways. I met my best friends that I hang out with in the 9th grade. I'm excelling in every academic class I'm currently taking, not to mention I'm in the top of my class year. I've also been involved in various clubs, community service events, and other school activities that benefit me and the community since 6th grade. Of course, none of this wouldn't have happened without mainstreaming out of special education in 1st grade, 2nd grade being my first year in regular education. Since I didn't have any academic regressions (when the doctors found out about my disability and they tested me, they told me mom it wouldn't be surprising if I had to repeat a grade or two, or maybe even three, of course that was proven to be wrong by a long shot), I benefited greatly from regular education, since in special education (at least in my district), they would focus with both academics and other difficulties that…

Anxiety king

"Having anxiety is no laughing matter" is what I say to people. This is one of my symptoms that I'm not actually ashamed of revealing to others, just because it's not as bad as telling others that I have autism or ADHD or a depression disorder. The panic attacks that I get sometimes (probably once a month or so, depends entirely on many factors, not on me (I'll explain later) are terrible, especially when their are people observing me breaking down. Feeling nervous about things I shouldn't be nervous about is also something I have to go through everyday, and these symptoms don't necessarily hinder my ability to continue my life, but rather it challenges that ability, as I have to make sure that certain things don't get me anxious or certain people push me through that limit (also more on that later). I'm going as far as saying that having anxiety is way worst than having autism (in my case) because I definitely rather go through thunderstorms …