Secrets on top of secrets
Friends, cousins, and just about everyone else in this world has to live a lie, because of me. I have to pretend to be someone I'm not to live to other people's expectations. That's not to say that I'm not smart or near the border of normal and autistic standards, but the horrifying past that I had to live through, I try to wipe if off my memory and move on with my life. But I can't, because I have made it this far to becoming normal and making sure that what I went through as a child, never occurs to anyone again. In today's blog, I want to share which people I had my disability from, and which people I wish wouldn't know about my disability.
First and most obviously, my friends. Knowing my best friend since the third grade when I moved schools, I was glad that I mainstreamed out of the special ed classrooms because if I were to mainstream later, I wouldn't have meet my best friend to this date. We have been almost everywhere in southern California, kicking butt at school, and having each other's back. My other friends that I've meet over time are also really supportive towards me. We share all of our secrets and our problems, expect me of course. Like I've mention a countless amount of times before, the only way that distinguishes me from a normal individual is the fact that I don't like many foods, many which people eat on a daily basis. Ex: eggs. The last thing is that I'm afraid of a certain type of loud sound, which causes me to cover my ears. That is thunder, and I never go out during a thunderstorm because I don't want people to see me with my ears covered (well their hasn't been any thunderstorms lately so I'm in the clear there for now). That's the reason why I'm so close to being considered normal, because I'm not affected socially, verbally, or academically (and a bunch of other details that I'm too lazy to point out, but you get the point). Back to the point, because of the fact that I act like my friends, and I don't standout from them, I don't feel like telling them such info about me at the moment. I've only tried to reveal my secret once when we were all together a Saturday night, but when I was about to disclose my secret, I quickly panicked and said something completely different (these hot Cheetos are so spicy! I even yelled it because I was that scared.) I was that nervous to disclose it, from my own friends! The thing that most worries me is the fact that my friends might treat me differently because of the fact that I'm different from them. Before people tell me, "what if they knew all along?", keep in mind that before my RSP teachers used to be so strict during elementary and early middle school. They prevented me from entering accelerated classes, which my friends all took. When the teachers saw that I kept getting straight A's in all the normal classes, I finally took my first accelerated class in 6th grade, and in 7th grade, I had my best friend for a class again in four years!
Next group is a rather strange one, my cousins. Obviously they know about my disability, but because of the fact that I act normal with them (of course a little more wild, cause their my cousins), they completely forget that I even have a disability. I'm always hanging out with them and going places like any other group of cousins would do. A few months ago though, I had to go through something that was rather emotional, even for me and I'm usually strong. I was in the kitchen of my house with one of my cousins who was 11 during the time. We were just talking about how our day went when my mom emerges out of nowhere and says "son, your IEP report came in. I'm going to read it." Once my mom left, my cousin asked "what's an IEP report?" When I turned around to face him, my face was dripping tears and my cousin was so confused. Sure, I might have overreacted when I began to cry, but when RSP has prevented me from achieving way more and showing my true potential, I couldn't help but let out all of my emotions. I quickly explained to him what that meant while at the same time making sure that I didn't release another tear from my eyes. Once I finished explaining, my cousin asked "you didn't cry because of me, right?" I answered "of course not." I cried because I was embarrassed that I had to be reminded of such misery, and it was worst since my cousin had to witness all of that. It has currently been the only incident involving that at the moment, but knowing my terrible luck, my cousins are probably going to reminded at least one more time that I'm different.
Now comes the group of individuals that I wish didn't know about my disability, and if you been keeping up with my past blogs (I encourage you to read them if you hadn't), you'll that my aunts and uncles make it to this list. They are honestly the most unsupportive aunts and uncles anyone can have, and I'm not talking about everyday life. Ever since they known that I had a disability, they always treat me different for no reason, well their is a reason, because they like it. The worst part is that they hate whenever I begin to improve. For example, my aunt came to my house about two years ago and noticed that I began to eat green beans, something that I still hated about a week back. My aunt told my mom "he eats green beans now. That's...surprising." She even paused for a good five seconds, of how shocked she was. More recently, I thought that maybe they will begin to treat me more normal if I would start long conversations with them. Turns out, it only made things worst. I was trying to have a conversation with my uncle on football (which I don't really like but he loves) when things took a sharp turn. Towards the end of the conversation, he pointed out "you are really getting more sociable, I thought your disability didn't allow you from achieving this far." I said in the most polite way "can you excuse me?" because of how mad I was and showing it. He got speechless once he saw my change in expression so I excused myself. These little things cannot top what most of my aunts and uncles did to me last year, which wasn't only extremely embarrassing to me, but I didn't have my mom to defend me. I went to my aunts house (the one that lives like .8 miles from Downtown L.A) and all of my cousins, including my sister were inside my house while I got a quick snack from outside. I got a small piece of well cooked steak and one of my uncles noticed. He went up to me and said "I can't believe your trying many foods now." I of course got so mad and responded "I getting tired of you always picking on me. Can you please stop?" I even said please, but it obviously didn't mean anything to him once he said the next sentence. He said louder than before "now I get it when people say autism speaks." This was most likely something that he was practicing for a while because I'm certain that he wouldn't say that from three seconds of brainstorming. Instantly, my other aunts and uncles around me began to laugh at me. That was the final straw for me as I yelled so loud "I'm so tired that all my aunts and uncles are so unsupportive to me! Only me!" As I began to walk inside the house, I imagined that they would laugh at me as I walked away but they actually stood quiet. Huh? Anyways, I managed to not shed a tear until I entered the restroom because I didn't want anyone to see me at this state. I only saw one of my cousins (a different one) but I was too sad to say hello to him so he knew something was wrong with me. I was crying inside the restroom and he opened the door asking about my current state. I told him the whole story and while I told him, I'm was glad that his mom and dad weren't at the party since they were too busy with work and they just dropped him off because they're the only aunt and uncle that I sort of care about (most likely because they never made fun of me or mentioned my disability). Once I finished the story, he was so sad that he heard such news and asked how he can help. I didn't want to see their faces again, or have anyone talk for me because I knew that they would've come up with some weakling joke. I said that I was just going to forget about this and play just dance with them (I should've done that before). My mom came hours later and no one mentioned about what happened with me on that party. Once the next day came around, I was planning on telling my mom but last time I complained about my family, she answered "Their your family, of course they know about this kind of information." This time around it was way more serious, but for whatever reason I decided not to say anything because as always, my family has the upper hand.
As always, that's the end of the blog. Please leave a comment if you have any questions, concerns, or just want to comment. Also while you're at it, follow me so you can be the first to read my newest blogs that come out before I alert you guys. Until next time :)
First and most obviously, my friends. Knowing my best friend since the third grade when I moved schools, I was glad that I mainstreamed out of the special ed classrooms because if I were to mainstream later, I wouldn't have meet my best friend to this date. We have been almost everywhere in southern California, kicking butt at school, and having each other's back. My other friends that I've meet over time are also really supportive towards me. We share all of our secrets and our problems, expect me of course. Like I've mention a countless amount of times before, the only way that distinguishes me from a normal individual is the fact that I don't like many foods, many which people eat on a daily basis. Ex: eggs. The last thing is that I'm afraid of a certain type of loud sound, which causes me to cover my ears. That is thunder, and I never go out during a thunderstorm because I don't want people to see me with my ears covered (well their hasn't been any thunderstorms lately so I'm in the clear there for now). That's the reason why I'm so close to being considered normal, because I'm not affected socially, verbally, or academically (and a bunch of other details that I'm too lazy to point out, but you get the point). Back to the point, because of the fact that I act like my friends, and I don't standout from them, I don't feel like telling them such info about me at the moment. I've only tried to reveal my secret once when we were all together a Saturday night, but when I was about to disclose my secret, I quickly panicked and said something completely different (these hot Cheetos are so spicy! I even yelled it because I was that scared.) I was that nervous to disclose it, from my own friends! The thing that most worries me is the fact that my friends might treat me differently because of the fact that I'm different from them. Before people tell me, "what if they knew all along?", keep in mind that before my RSP teachers used to be so strict during elementary and early middle school. They prevented me from entering accelerated classes, which my friends all took. When the teachers saw that I kept getting straight A's in all the normal classes, I finally took my first accelerated class in 6th grade, and in 7th grade, I had my best friend for a class again in four years!
Next group is a rather strange one, my cousins. Obviously they know about my disability, but because of the fact that I act normal with them (of course a little more wild, cause their my cousins), they completely forget that I even have a disability. I'm always hanging out with them and going places like any other group of cousins would do. A few months ago though, I had to go through something that was rather emotional, even for me and I'm usually strong. I was in the kitchen of my house with one of my cousins who was 11 during the time. We were just talking about how our day went when my mom emerges out of nowhere and says "son, your IEP report came in. I'm going to read it." Once my mom left, my cousin asked "what's an IEP report?" When I turned around to face him, my face was dripping tears and my cousin was so confused. Sure, I might have overreacted when I began to cry, but when RSP has prevented me from achieving way more and showing my true potential, I couldn't help but let out all of my emotions. I quickly explained to him what that meant while at the same time making sure that I didn't release another tear from my eyes. Once I finished explaining, my cousin asked "you didn't cry because of me, right?" I answered "of course not." I cried because I was embarrassed that I had to be reminded of such misery, and it was worst since my cousin had to witness all of that. It has currently been the only incident involving that at the moment, but knowing my terrible luck, my cousins are probably going to reminded at least one more time that I'm different.
Now comes the group of individuals that I wish didn't know about my disability, and if you been keeping up with my past blogs (I encourage you to read them if you hadn't), you'll that my aunts and uncles make it to this list. They are honestly the most unsupportive aunts and uncles anyone can have, and I'm not talking about everyday life. Ever since they known that I had a disability, they always treat me different for no reason, well their is a reason, because they like it. The worst part is that they hate whenever I begin to improve. For example, my aunt came to my house about two years ago and noticed that I began to eat green beans, something that I still hated about a week back. My aunt told my mom "he eats green beans now. That's...surprising." She even paused for a good five seconds, of how shocked she was. More recently, I thought that maybe they will begin to treat me more normal if I would start long conversations with them. Turns out, it only made things worst. I was trying to have a conversation with my uncle on football (which I don't really like but he loves) when things took a sharp turn. Towards the end of the conversation, he pointed out "you are really getting more sociable, I thought your disability didn't allow you from achieving this far." I said in the most polite way "can you excuse me?" because of how mad I was and showing it. He got speechless once he saw my change in expression so I excused myself. These little things cannot top what most of my aunts and uncles did to me last year, which wasn't only extremely embarrassing to me, but I didn't have my mom to defend me. I went to my aunts house (the one that lives like .8 miles from Downtown L.A) and all of my cousins, including my sister were inside my house while I got a quick snack from outside. I got a small piece of well cooked steak and one of my uncles noticed. He went up to me and said "I can't believe your trying many foods now." I of course got so mad and responded "I getting tired of you always picking on me. Can you please stop?" I even said please, but it obviously didn't mean anything to him once he said the next sentence. He said louder than before "now I get it when people say autism speaks." This was most likely something that he was practicing for a while because I'm certain that he wouldn't say that from three seconds of brainstorming. Instantly, my other aunts and uncles around me began to laugh at me. That was the final straw for me as I yelled so loud "I'm so tired that all my aunts and uncles are so unsupportive to me! Only me!" As I began to walk inside the house, I imagined that they would laugh at me as I walked away but they actually stood quiet. Huh? Anyways, I managed to not shed a tear until I entered the restroom because I didn't want anyone to see me at this state. I only saw one of my cousins (a different one) but I was too sad to say hello to him so he knew something was wrong with me. I was crying inside the restroom and he opened the door asking about my current state. I told him the whole story and while I told him, I'm was glad that his mom and dad weren't at the party since they were too busy with work and they just dropped him off because they're the only aunt and uncle that I sort of care about (most likely because they never made fun of me or mentioned my disability). Once I finished the story, he was so sad that he heard such news and asked how he can help. I didn't want to see their faces again, or have anyone talk for me because I knew that they would've come up with some weakling joke. I said that I was just going to forget about this and play just dance with them (I should've done that before). My mom came hours later and no one mentioned about what happened with me on that party. Once the next day came around, I was planning on telling my mom but last time I complained about my family, she answered "Their your family, of course they know about this kind of information." This time around it was way more serious, but for whatever reason I decided not to say anything because as always, my family has the upper hand.
As always, that's the end of the blog. Please leave a comment if you have any questions, concerns, or just want to comment. Also while you're at it, follow me so you can be the first to read my newest blogs that come out before I alert you guys. Until next time :)
This is why I must continue to be so open with this world about my child. Autism is Autism. Just because someone is Autistic doesn’t give others (family or not) the right to say such stupid things. I’m glad you do your blog. Keep up the blogging.
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