What look?
Throughout the many discrimination comments that I have received in the past 14 years or so, their has been lots of comments that I still remember to this day. "He will never succeed", "what causes autism", "autism means retarded, right?" And the comment that I have personally received from my aunts and uncles in which you guys know I hate so much "you don't belong in this world" and "now I know what they mean by autism speaks" (fun fact about me, I don't like autism speaks, I feel like they aren't doing a good job of spreading awareness as they are in making money). Their is one comment in particular though that I have received from many people who have met me, some who are new to the autism community, and others, like regional center workers who have had training experience in the autism community, to my own family. That comment is "you don't look autistic." That comment surely doesn't make me feel more emotional as say "why do you exist?" but it does get me as angry as I can get for a number of reasons. The fact that society assumes that autism significantly outcastes the normal population gets me upset since especially when I was younger, people would leave me out on a bunch of things. In today's blog, I'm going to show my journey living with the phrase "you don't look autistic."
First lets clear some stuff, there's no look for autism. Autism is mainly a invisible disability, meaning that it can't be seen by just looking at the individual. That's why there's lots of people, myself included that can easily mask their disability and fit in with people, even though like I've mentioned before, that shouldn't be everyone's main goal in life, to fit in with others. So imagine it like this, I could be in a room with 99 other people, without a disability. It would be nearly impossible to tell me apart from the others and say "he's the individual with autism." That's reality for many on the spectrum, it's just something that you'll see as time goes on, if you even know them for that long. So, now that I've established the fact that there's no look, why have I been told "he doesn't look autistic" a countless amount of times? I could go on a jab and say "society sucks, people hate me," but I want to be realistic from others' point of view, not just mine. Society is well aware of the many traits that someone on the autism spectrum has, but that awareness only goes up to a certain extent. The majority of society also isn't aware of the fact that we can mask these traits at times, so sometimes it looks as if we don't have a disability, so when people don't display these traits, the phrase "you don't look autistic" pops out of people's words. That's the case with me, in which I can control my traits in many situations. Keep in mind that I have Asperger's, which is a variant of autism, so my story won't be as accurate as others (even with people with Asperger's, let's just say I'm more of a unique case). Coming from a bunch of pitiful experiences (the cage, my aunts and uncles bullying me whenever they had the chance), I was threw with hearing another comment about me having autism. After all, having those experiences made me feel bad about myself and as a result this lowered my self-esteem, as a 9 year old! I was threw with everything, so I was very happy at the fact that I was going to move to a new school for my 3rd grade year. I had people that made mean comments at me at school, the teachers would discriminate. I needed a fresh start at everything (new friends being my prime concern), so when it was my first day at my new school, I made a goal to myself, which was "to hide my autism so people won't bully me." You can't blame me for having that goal, since coming from those past experiences is something that no 9 year old should experience. However, my mother had other plans in mind. While I made some new friends in the first few months of school, my mom did as well. She began to socialize with many people whose kids went to that school, and I eventually met all of those parents. And with every meet up that I met, my goal of preventing discrimination quickly took a sharp turn.
I remember the day that I was forced to go with my mom with her friend, since no one was home and she wouldn't let me stay home alone. I wasn't too thrilled at the fact that I had to leave my comfort zone, being food that I actually liked, and not too many sounds that could push the limits of my sensory sensitivity. Nonetheless, I had to go. Thankfully the first visit I went through was only four blocks away from my house, so it wasn't like I was too far away from my house. When I entered, I was greeted by the couple, and me and my mom sat down on the sofa. When it came to the part that they asked what type of food they wanted to serve us, they asked me, "do you want chicken?" I nodded. "Do you want Alfredo chicken?" Again, I nodded. The same procedure happened about 3-4 more times. They then went over to my mom and said "he's quite a picky eater isn't he?" My mom then said "gosh, I forgot to bring some snacks for him." The dad was like "snacks? He can't eat anything?" My mom said "no, he's just very selective about what he eats, since he's autistic" As soon as I heard that, I looked at my mom in disbelief, the fact that she exposed me like that already brought back some bad memories ('the cage' in particular). It only escalates from there, as they say "oh doesn't" he snaps his fingers for a few seconds "Kacie have autism as well?" The mom says "she does." They then start looking and staring at me, as if I was some sort of wild animal ready to attack. The dad said "he doesn't look autistic." Already I felt like crying, but I wanted to save myself a punishment, so I placed all of my anger at my pillow when I came home. I felt like I had no hope at all, and I was just useless trash. My self-esteem only got worst from there, and unfortunately, so did the comments from others. The next one is from a friend that my mom had known for a long time, but she wasn't the one that made the rude comment. My sister was home, but I decided to go because they had three dogs and in my house we're not allowed to have any dogs at all thanks to the manager, so I wanted to take advantage of the visit, plus the friend already knew about the disability, and she wouldn't say anything to me. When I arrived at the house, I noticed someone with her, a friend. I also noticed that the dogs weren't there, so when I asked the friend where the dogs were, she said that her husband took them out on a walk. I was basically stuck at her house without wanting to for two hours. I got bored to the point of listening in to their conversation. When the other guest that was there noticed me, she saw me and said to my mom "he's ---, the autistic son, right?" This time I began to gave her the "I hate you for knowing about my disability and discriminating me about it look" and my mom said "ya, that's him" as if she was ashamed of having me at all. The worst part is that she was the type of person that relied on all the information related to autism from the internet, which as you know is filled with lies, because the next thing she asked was "what type of vaccines did you give your child when he was smaller?" I personally don't believe in the vaccines, and even back then I didn't, so at that point I decided to end the conversation before it got worst (and before I emotionally lost it) by saying "mom I'm getting hungry, can we leave now?" Surprisingly that worked, and by five minutes we were gone, and another five minutes later when I arrived home, I began to cry.
Trust me when I say that these were just a few of the many times I've heard the words, "you don't look autistic." These were just the more relatable ones that I could list, since I'm pretty sure no one but this one woman confuses autism for retarded in the saying of the comment. Another one being "how is he able to communicate so well if he's autistic" the list just goes on and on. Truth is, that people with Asperger's are more prone to social attacks like these than their autistic counterparts since we are able to cope with our traits and usually successfully mask them. So whenever our disability is masked, we are more likely to be bombarded with these types of comments. It's just the type of discrimination that occurs among society, even to this day. In my case, it doesn't happen as much anymore now that I can actually defend myself and I'm more independent (my aunts and uncles of course being the exception), but I still get lots of comments about my autism from people. But like I mentioned before, saying that "there's a look for autism" ticks me off since there's simply no look for it. Saying that there's a look made it harder for me to actually have a high self-esteem for myself because if the people that said that noticed it, then everyone could notice it. Of course as time went on, I realized that that's not the case, but I had that mindset for a very long time. It's very true that these types of comments affect the individual and how they grow up, as my story is a clear example. I tried to explain these things to people, who were unaware of individuals on the autism spectrum, but people simply weren't interested in change. Today, my best bet is to avoid bad influences. Of course, that won't always work out one way or another, but so far I haven't heard any negative comments this year from anyone this year, which of course makes me happy that I'm not being judged by who I am. Parents of children on the spectrum, if you ever heard anyone saying these types of comments to your son, it's obviously something bad. My mom never found these comments to be bad, or at the slightest, unfitting for someone like me. Being on the autism spectrum isn't anything bad, so I sometimes get tired of people making fun of others for being on the spectrum if it's not our faults to being with. I just hope that the future, we have a future that doesn't have people saying discriminating comments to others. Until then, I will continue fighting for us, because only we know how we feel, what we go through, and what our struggles are. Our lives are already hard enough as they are, we don't want anyone telling us that we 'have a look.'
Well that's the end of my blog for today, as always I hope you learned something new today and I hope you enjoyed the blog. If you have anything to tell me about this blog, don't be shy to comment it down here and I will get to you as quick as possible. Also, consider following my blog page if you'd wish to be the first to know about my blogs and read them before I announce them to others, it's that simple. As always, have a great day :)
Don't judge a book by its cover
First lets clear some stuff, there's no look for autism. Autism is mainly a invisible disability, meaning that it can't be seen by just looking at the individual. That's why there's lots of people, myself included that can easily mask their disability and fit in with people, even though like I've mentioned before, that shouldn't be everyone's main goal in life, to fit in with others. So imagine it like this, I could be in a room with 99 other people, without a disability. It would be nearly impossible to tell me apart from the others and say "he's the individual with autism." That's reality for many on the spectrum, it's just something that you'll see as time goes on, if you even know them for that long. So, now that I've established the fact that there's no look, why have I been told "he doesn't look autistic" a countless amount of times? I could go on a jab and say "society sucks, people hate me," but I want to be realistic from others' point of view, not just mine. Society is well aware of the many traits that someone on the autism spectrum has, but that awareness only goes up to a certain extent. The majority of society also isn't aware of the fact that we can mask these traits at times, so sometimes it looks as if we don't have a disability, so when people don't display these traits, the phrase "you don't look autistic" pops out of people's words. That's the case with me, in which I can control my traits in many situations. Keep in mind that I have Asperger's, which is a variant of autism, so my story won't be as accurate as others (even with people with Asperger's, let's just say I'm more of a unique case). Coming from a bunch of pitiful experiences (the cage, my aunts and uncles bullying me whenever they had the chance), I was threw with hearing another comment about me having autism. After all, having those experiences made me feel bad about myself and as a result this lowered my self-esteem, as a 9 year old! I was threw with everything, so I was very happy at the fact that I was going to move to a new school for my 3rd grade year. I had people that made mean comments at me at school, the teachers would discriminate. I needed a fresh start at everything (new friends being my prime concern), so when it was my first day at my new school, I made a goal to myself, which was "to hide my autism so people won't bully me." You can't blame me for having that goal, since coming from those past experiences is something that no 9 year old should experience. However, my mother had other plans in mind. While I made some new friends in the first few months of school, my mom did as well. She began to socialize with many people whose kids went to that school, and I eventually met all of those parents. And with every meet up that I met, my goal of preventing discrimination quickly took a sharp turn.
I remember the day that I was forced to go with my mom with her friend, since no one was home and she wouldn't let me stay home alone. I wasn't too thrilled at the fact that I had to leave my comfort zone, being food that I actually liked, and not too many sounds that could push the limits of my sensory sensitivity. Nonetheless, I had to go. Thankfully the first visit I went through was only four blocks away from my house, so it wasn't like I was too far away from my house. When I entered, I was greeted by the couple, and me and my mom sat down on the sofa. When it came to the part that they asked what type of food they wanted to serve us, they asked me, "do you want chicken?" I nodded. "Do you want Alfredo chicken?" Again, I nodded. The same procedure happened about 3-4 more times. They then went over to my mom and said "he's quite a picky eater isn't he?" My mom then said "gosh, I forgot to bring some snacks for him." The dad was like "snacks? He can't eat anything?" My mom said "no, he's just very selective about what he eats, since he's autistic" As soon as I heard that, I looked at my mom in disbelief, the fact that she exposed me like that already brought back some bad memories ('the cage' in particular). It only escalates from there, as they say "oh doesn't" he snaps his fingers for a few seconds "Kacie have autism as well?" The mom says "she does." They then start looking and staring at me, as if I was some sort of wild animal ready to attack. The dad said "he doesn't look autistic." Already I felt like crying, but I wanted to save myself a punishment, so I placed all of my anger at my pillow when I came home. I felt like I had no hope at all, and I was just useless trash. My self-esteem only got worst from there, and unfortunately, so did the comments from others. The next one is from a friend that my mom had known for a long time, but she wasn't the one that made the rude comment. My sister was home, but I decided to go because they had three dogs and in my house we're not allowed to have any dogs at all thanks to the manager, so I wanted to take advantage of the visit, plus the friend already knew about the disability, and she wouldn't say anything to me. When I arrived at the house, I noticed someone with her, a friend. I also noticed that the dogs weren't there, so when I asked the friend where the dogs were, she said that her husband took them out on a walk. I was basically stuck at her house without wanting to for two hours. I got bored to the point of listening in to their conversation. When the other guest that was there noticed me, she saw me and said to my mom "he's ---, the autistic son, right?" This time I began to gave her the "I hate you for knowing about my disability and discriminating me about it look" and my mom said "ya, that's him" as if she was ashamed of having me at all. The worst part is that she was the type of person that relied on all the information related to autism from the internet, which as you know is filled with lies, because the next thing she asked was "what type of vaccines did you give your child when he was smaller?" I personally don't believe in the vaccines, and even back then I didn't, so at that point I decided to end the conversation before it got worst (and before I emotionally lost it) by saying "mom I'm getting hungry, can we leave now?" Surprisingly that worked, and by five minutes we were gone, and another five minutes later when I arrived home, I began to cry.
Trust me when I say that these were just a few of the many times I've heard the words, "you don't look autistic." These were just the more relatable ones that I could list, since I'm pretty sure no one but this one woman confuses autism for retarded in the saying of the comment. Another one being "how is he able to communicate so well if he's autistic" the list just goes on and on. Truth is, that people with Asperger's are more prone to social attacks like these than their autistic counterparts since we are able to cope with our traits and usually successfully mask them. So whenever our disability is masked, we are more likely to be bombarded with these types of comments. It's just the type of discrimination that occurs among society, even to this day. In my case, it doesn't happen as much anymore now that I can actually defend myself and I'm more independent (my aunts and uncles of course being the exception), but I still get lots of comments about my autism from people. But like I mentioned before, saying that "there's a look for autism" ticks me off since there's simply no look for it. Saying that there's a look made it harder for me to actually have a high self-esteem for myself because if the people that said that noticed it, then everyone could notice it. Of course as time went on, I realized that that's not the case, but I had that mindset for a very long time. It's very true that these types of comments affect the individual and how they grow up, as my story is a clear example. I tried to explain these things to people, who were unaware of individuals on the autism spectrum, but people simply weren't interested in change. Today, my best bet is to avoid bad influences. Of course, that won't always work out one way or another, but so far I haven't heard any negative comments this year from anyone this year, which of course makes me happy that I'm not being judged by who I am. Parents of children on the spectrum, if you ever heard anyone saying these types of comments to your son, it's obviously something bad. My mom never found these comments to be bad, or at the slightest, unfitting for someone like me. Being on the autism spectrum isn't anything bad, so I sometimes get tired of people making fun of others for being on the spectrum if it's not our faults to being with. I just hope that the future, we have a future that doesn't have people saying discriminating comments to others. Until then, I will continue fighting for us, because only we know how we feel, what we go through, and what our struggles are. Our lives are already hard enough as they are, we don't want anyone telling us that we 'have a look.'
Well that's the end of my blog for today, as always I hope you learned something new today and I hope you enjoyed the blog. If you have anything to tell me about this blog, don't be shy to comment it down here and I will get to you as quick as possible. Also, consider following my blog page if you'd wish to be the first to know about my blogs and read them before I announce them to others, it's that simple. As always, have a great day :)
Don't judge a book by its cover
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