A recap
It's been so long since I've blogged, and I'm so happy to be back and continue to stick with this community. As time progressed, so much has happened to me throughout these past few months that I mourn not blogging, because lots of things that involve my disability have happened, lots of discrimination and lots of issues that I feel like I don't deserve. I'm not going to make this blog super long like a lot of other ones that have more information, since this blog is for the most part going to be a recap of what has happened these three months that I've hadn't been blogging that I feel is blogworthy. Like I already mentioned, I have been a target of lots of discrimination, and it makes me feel a bit of sorrow that within these past three months, the people around me still haven't changed, yet I have taken large amounts of self-discipline to change for my own better, not the better of others, because at this point I don't really care about what people say to me anymore. Anyways, I feel like I'm sidetracking, I'm going to start by digging deeper towards the things that have happened to me, starting with three months ago.
Part of the reason why I haven't had lots of time to blog is thanks to the tremendous amount of work I've been receiving in school these few months. It started right around late-August, and ever since then it's been rather stressful, and I've been trying my hardest to do my best in school. This year, all of my academic classes are advanced, rather than a couple of them, so that just makes things worst in terms of finding time to blog. Despite the fact that I got all A's last year but one B (Math is extremely hard once it gets to Calculus), and the fact that despite all the stress that I have been receiving throughout the year, I still have my grades in the place that I want them, since there's still room left for improvement and to get even higher scores with a bit of effort. Despite all of this, I still get bothered by the RSP classroom, and it's starting to bug me more than ever, since I haven't had at least one week without being called by the RSP teacher for whatever reason. I've been considering doing what I did in the 8th grade, which was start to hide inside a restroom instead of going to the RSP classroom, but I don't simply for the reason that the consequences in the high school are much more vast than middle school, and I know that not complying to the staff will surely lead me to trouble. Asking to be removed from the program is no use to me, since I would need my parents to confirm the transition and my mom is SO against this, so I really don't have any other choice but to endure some emotions. I know what some of you might be thinking, that this isn't much of a big deal and it's something that I should just comply with for the reminder of my high school years, but the thing is that RSP brings back so many bad memories, from the limitations that they gave me for no valid reason to those terrible meetings that I had with them plus my regular teachers, that I dreaded and felt very uncomfortable to be in. It would be amazing to close the gap between a academic student, and a academic student with accommodations, because it's completely useless to hold that title since I haven't use any of the accommodations since the beginning of high school, yet it is strongly suggested that I do take advantage of them once in a while for the reasoning that they still don't think that I can achieve what a normal individual can. So in terms of school, things have been going very great for me academically, but RSP just won't give me a rest, and I cry sometimes to sleep thinking that I have no power to finish what hindered my past.
My personal life is something that I wouldn't say to anyone personally (nobody even knows what's happening, that's how badly I don't trust anyone), but since I am anonymous here, I'm willing to express how I feel. So far, nothing positive has happened to me in my house or in my public lifestyle, since almost everyday I'm in a state of depression (my depression disorder has reached a high), I cry myself to sleep, I don't feel like I am accepted in this world because of so many people hurting me mentally. I don't always see my world like this however, because I'm very glad I have a private life, because when school and family are out of the way, I can escape to places that I really enjoy to explore. Of course, mainly walk around my hometown, Southern California since just walking around relives me of any stress that I may be having. I have more hobbies, many that I have listed in previous blogs, and at this point, they are the sole reason why my mental health hasn't gotten even more worst than it is right now. This is also another reason why I haven't been blogging as much as before, since lots of the time I reflect upon what I can do to change my life around for the better of my well-being, which in my standpoint, isn't too much. One thing that I hate so much is visiting over my aunts and uncles house, and well, during labor day weekend, which was the beginning of September, I had no choice but to go with my family over for a gathering by Central California. As I've mentioned, anytime I even see my family, it's nothing but pure trouble and hate, and it's all aiming towards me, because of course to them I'm retarded and I can't do anything in my power to defend myself and become successful in this world, even if I'd tried. Well, while I was visiting their house, I was staying inside my older cousins room (he's cool) almost the entire time just because I wanted to avoid one single remark coming out of any of my families voice's. I had to eat at one point (it was pizza, I couldn't resist) and when I went out to the backyard serving myself some food, I wasn't even looking at them when I heard my uncle say "well, it looks like someone finally came out of their comfort zone" (those of you who have autism or have a reference to autism probably know what this is suppose to mean). I began to walk away, and as I was doing so, another uncle of mine shouted out "just make sure the pizza doesn't have any accidental peppers added in it (supposed to be a joke towards my lack of eating various things (selective eater)), and I got just as angry as any other time, but at this point it almost feels routine to me. As bad as my personal life is, it isn't actually terrible when things somehow manage to go my way.
As for other things revolving me being on the spectrum, quite a few things have happened. There have been two thunderstorms in this time-period, and they were actually very recent. The first thunderstorm was a week ago, but thankfully school was over 15 minutes right before the storm, so that gave me just enough time to run over to the mall and cope with the weather outside. Thankfully I did, and it was just effective as other times in which I mean hear a single rumble of thunder. Yesterday was another day where we had wild weather, and while I really wanted to go to the mall, it was impossible for me to even go to the mall (it was 11pm) so as I saw the flashes of lighting and the thunder roaring out seconds later, I went through a sensory meltdown and I began to cry and cover my ears in fear since I got that scared. I was afraid that something terrible was going to happen to me and it occurred to me that while I was crying, I felt myself trembling, I felt myself getting hurt, just because of a sound. Truth is, lots of people on the spectrum face this type of conflict that I endure, maybe not the same way that I do, since everyone is so vastly different, but nonetheless I cover my ears like a little kid when I hear thunder (it used to be fireworks as well, but I was able to overcome those sounds, but thunder is something that I still feel uncomfortable with for whatever reason), because it hurts me. Another thing that I loathe with a passion and that I'm forced to attend in a month is my yearly evaluation at the....regional center. Yep, the place where some of the employees still remember me as a freak and a annoying spoiled child. I don't like going there at all, since it reminds me of the many memories that I remember from when I was smaller. I didn't like how I didn't feel welcomed in the place where I was supposed to feel welcomed by everyone since they are supposedly have a sense of what people like me go through, after all they did go to college for this, right?
That's all for this blog, if you haven't heard, I'm actually going to be posting as many as four blogs tomorrow as a returning gift to all of you guys. I really want to be back and express all of the different ways I live on the spectrum, and what it means for me in my daily life. I really want to change my blogs, into not so much my life, but rather the way I experience my life based on the spectrum. It's really hard for me to blog now that my life is getting more compressed every day, but I ensure all of you guys that I have returned and I'm ready to teach a new generation of people the autism spectrum through my life, as a teenager, still maturing, and still growing up and learning new things along the way. Until the next time, I hope all of you guys have a great day :)
"No change can come if those who are impacted the most by discrimination are not willing to stand up for themselves."
Part of the reason why I haven't had lots of time to blog is thanks to the tremendous amount of work I've been receiving in school these few months. It started right around late-August, and ever since then it's been rather stressful, and I've been trying my hardest to do my best in school. This year, all of my academic classes are advanced, rather than a couple of them, so that just makes things worst in terms of finding time to blog. Despite the fact that I got all A's last year but one B (Math is extremely hard once it gets to Calculus), and the fact that despite all the stress that I have been receiving throughout the year, I still have my grades in the place that I want them, since there's still room left for improvement and to get even higher scores with a bit of effort. Despite all of this, I still get bothered by the RSP classroom, and it's starting to bug me more than ever, since I haven't had at least one week without being called by the RSP teacher for whatever reason. I've been considering doing what I did in the 8th grade, which was start to hide inside a restroom instead of going to the RSP classroom, but I don't simply for the reason that the consequences in the high school are much more vast than middle school, and I know that not complying to the staff will surely lead me to trouble. Asking to be removed from the program is no use to me, since I would need my parents to confirm the transition and my mom is SO against this, so I really don't have any other choice but to endure some emotions. I know what some of you might be thinking, that this isn't much of a big deal and it's something that I should just comply with for the reminder of my high school years, but the thing is that RSP brings back so many bad memories, from the limitations that they gave me for no valid reason to those terrible meetings that I had with them plus my regular teachers, that I dreaded and felt very uncomfortable to be in. It would be amazing to close the gap between a academic student, and a academic student with accommodations, because it's completely useless to hold that title since I haven't use any of the accommodations since the beginning of high school, yet it is strongly suggested that I do take advantage of them once in a while for the reasoning that they still don't think that I can achieve what a normal individual can. So in terms of school, things have been going very great for me academically, but RSP just won't give me a rest, and I cry sometimes to sleep thinking that I have no power to finish what hindered my past.
My personal life is something that I wouldn't say to anyone personally (nobody even knows what's happening, that's how badly I don't trust anyone), but since I am anonymous here, I'm willing to express how I feel. So far, nothing positive has happened to me in my house or in my public lifestyle, since almost everyday I'm in a state of depression (my depression disorder has reached a high), I cry myself to sleep, I don't feel like I am accepted in this world because of so many people hurting me mentally. I don't always see my world like this however, because I'm very glad I have a private life, because when school and family are out of the way, I can escape to places that I really enjoy to explore. Of course, mainly walk around my hometown, Southern California since just walking around relives me of any stress that I may be having. I have more hobbies, many that I have listed in previous blogs, and at this point, they are the sole reason why my mental health hasn't gotten even more worst than it is right now. This is also another reason why I haven't been blogging as much as before, since lots of the time I reflect upon what I can do to change my life around for the better of my well-being, which in my standpoint, isn't too much. One thing that I hate so much is visiting over my aunts and uncles house, and well, during labor day weekend, which was the beginning of September, I had no choice but to go with my family over for a gathering by Central California. As I've mentioned, anytime I even see my family, it's nothing but pure trouble and hate, and it's all aiming towards me, because of course to them I'm retarded and I can't do anything in my power to defend myself and become successful in this world, even if I'd tried. Well, while I was visiting their house, I was staying inside my older cousins room (he's cool) almost the entire time just because I wanted to avoid one single remark coming out of any of my families voice's. I had to eat at one point (it was pizza, I couldn't resist) and when I went out to the backyard serving myself some food, I wasn't even looking at them when I heard my uncle say "well, it looks like someone finally came out of their comfort zone" (those of you who have autism or have a reference to autism probably know what this is suppose to mean). I began to walk away, and as I was doing so, another uncle of mine shouted out "just make sure the pizza doesn't have any accidental peppers added in it (supposed to be a joke towards my lack of eating various things (selective eater)), and I got just as angry as any other time, but at this point it almost feels routine to me. As bad as my personal life is, it isn't actually terrible when things somehow manage to go my way.
As for other things revolving me being on the spectrum, quite a few things have happened. There have been two thunderstorms in this time-period, and they were actually very recent. The first thunderstorm was a week ago, but thankfully school was over 15 minutes right before the storm, so that gave me just enough time to run over to the mall and cope with the weather outside. Thankfully I did, and it was just effective as other times in which I mean hear a single rumble of thunder. Yesterday was another day where we had wild weather, and while I really wanted to go to the mall, it was impossible for me to even go to the mall (it was 11pm) so as I saw the flashes of lighting and the thunder roaring out seconds later, I went through a sensory meltdown and I began to cry and cover my ears in fear since I got that scared. I was afraid that something terrible was going to happen to me and it occurred to me that while I was crying, I felt myself trembling, I felt myself getting hurt, just because of a sound. Truth is, lots of people on the spectrum face this type of conflict that I endure, maybe not the same way that I do, since everyone is so vastly different, but nonetheless I cover my ears like a little kid when I hear thunder (it used to be fireworks as well, but I was able to overcome those sounds, but thunder is something that I still feel uncomfortable with for whatever reason), because it hurts me. Another thing that I loathe with a passion and that I'm forced to attend in a month is my yearly evaluation at the....regional center. Yep, the place where some of the employees still remember me as a freak and a annoying spoiled child. I don't like going there at all, since it reminds me of the many memories that I remember from when I was smaller. I didn't like how I didn't feel welcomed in the place where I was supposed to feel welcomed by everyone since they are supposedly have a sense of what people like me go through, after all they did go to college for this, right?
That's all for this blog, if you haven't heard, I'm actually going to be posting as many as four blogs tomorrow as a returning gift to all of you guys. I really want to be back and express all of the different ways I live on the spectrum, and what it means for me in my daily life. I really want to change my blogs, into not so much my life, but rather the way I experience my life based on the spectrum. It's really hard for me to blog now that my life is getting more compressed every day, but I ensure all of you guys that I have returned and I'm ready to teach a new generation of people the autism spectrum through my life, as a teenager, still maturing, and still growing up and learning new things along the way. Until the next time, I hope all of you guys have a great day :)
"No change can come if those who are impacted the most by discrimination are not willing to stand up for themselves."
Dear blogger, first of all it is so hard for me to read your pain and suffering as you seem so bright. And at the same time I know hiw difficult it is for you. My son went through the same kind of process when we living in the UK. Same hate of the Special Needs unit once a year because of what he was told (branded as paranoiac by the teacher in charge of him). He was suffering on a constant basis, feeling misunderstood and bullied, called a retard or a geek. He cried every day when back from school, asking me for help to get out of all this. One day I had a chat with him, saying that a lot of children were experiencing difficult time at school, at home or with family, feeling misunderstood, unloved, useless. I also explained to him that first of all he has to love himself, his abilities (quite a lot) and who he is : a UNIQUE young man with a different view of the world, a different way of doing things in life. That’s what makes him so special. But it’s also his strength because of his perception, conception and capability of achievements allowing him to access success. It gaves him more comfidence and therefore self esteem. You are looking for others approval ? Stop it. Let them talk, say to yourself that it doesn’t matter because YOU know your worth. Trust yourself more - from what I read you seem to be quite knowledgeable and competent - and maybe try to think about your future around what you love to do : you write that you love walking. Maybe a blog about it - and what were your thoughts, ideas, feelings at that time, what you saw, who you met,... - could be another experience to share with a larger audience? Nevertheless, remember trust and love yourself. Ok? All the best
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