Eye to uncomfortable eye
Sometimes, it just doesn't feel right for me to look at someone in the eye. Primarily, around new people, I don't mind talking while looking at anything but them. Many people assume that I'm ignoring them, and hence, create a bad first impression towards them. Occasionally around people I know, friends being the most recent example, I tend to look away when I'm speaking. Taking last week into consideration, I was waiting for the city bus, swiftly looking in my pants for some pocket change to afford the ride, with my friend by my side. We were sitting, and the sunset was looking especially stunning. I kept staring westward while talking to my friends at the same time. To me, it felt like just a normal conversation, it felt quite comfortable. I didn't really see much harm, or really wrong with me talking without any eye contact. It feels much better than seeing others, which makes me feel quite uncomfortable. I also wasn't ignoring him either. While watching the sunset, I was perfectly responding to my friend, I wasn't daydreaming, or anything. It just felt like home to me. My friend crumbled the mood when he said "are you okay." I turned around, making eye contact for the first time in the whole conversation answering "of course I'm fine. Does...anything look wrong?" He said "well, you're looking out to the view over there. It looks like you're upset, or sad?" I clarified that I wasn't upset, or sad, or anything that was wrong with me at the moment. He said with a small relief "okay, gotcha." Of course, I wasn't sad, or upset, not having eye contact is just second nature to me at this point. It doesn't make me feel anxious of talking around others, overthinking about lots of things that I can say or do that can result in trouble. I feel at ease when I can just talk to others without the stress of having to engage in eye to eye contact with others, especially strangers. In today's blog, I'm going to list one of the main reasons why I feel more comfortable when I don't stare at people when I'm conversing with others.
Anxiety is one of the huge factors. Like I've mentioned, staring at others eyes when talking just unleashes a huge amount of anxiety as to what I'm going to say next. You can almost think of it as eye contact deteriorates my ability to converse correctly, which is very true in my case. With family, of course this isn't the case, or in many occasions, such as talking with teachers, or any staff, since I know that I must step out of my comfort zone and not display any signs of being different (yes I discussed how I try not to care about what others think about me, but in certain times, you just have to act normal to not get into any trouble), but with people I don't personally know, or when I'm feeling anxious, because...I sometimes feel anxious for no reason (anxiety disorder), I can't go any longer without feeling worried as to what I should say. The body language, the facial expressions I witness as the people are waiting for me to respond. I can't bear hearing an "are you okay?" or anything that's virtually the same to that phrase, without my anxiety going up. I feel like walking away from the conversation, but then I don't because I know that would be rude of me, and many people already consider me a rude person for not looking at them straight at the eye. Rarely, and I mean, like around 7-8 months, this results in a sensory meltdown. If for whatever reason you guys don't know what a sensory meltdown is, it occurs when someone feels anxious from an overload of different sensory's, like when a kid is hearing loud fireworks, it emulates a meltdown, but the yelling, kicking, pushing, or falling to the ground isn't as a result of a "spoiled brat," but rather this happens because of an overload of a sensory. In my case, it wasn't terribly bad, but once this women approached me while I was in Downtown, and asked me for directions. I was already anxious as my bus to get back home was coming late, and the time itself was getting late, and I would've gotten in trouble for getting home late, and it would've been my fault for arriving late. She asked me if I knew how to get to this certain place. Once I heard the location, I knew where it was at, I knew the directions, heck, I could've told her like 3-4 different ways of getting there. Her presentation didn't scare me either, she seemed like in her middle 30's, well dressed, not like it really matters a lot. When I tried responding though, all that came out of my mouth was a "aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa………" I knew what I wanted to say perfectly, but I couldn't say it directly at her, I felt too scared for seemingly no reason. Once I stopped, she asked if I was fine. I answered "ya, ya, I'm fine." I just wanted her to leave, leave my view. I didn't want her leave because I didn't like her, or because I was trying to be rude, but because I completely lost my comfort zone. I just stared at the ground, and thankfully, she left about 10 seconds later. I caught my breath, hoping that not that many people saw. I felt embarrassed; during this time, the regional center tried to asset me in some goals, learning proper eye contact being one of them. I clearly told the women who to this date I still have a hatred passion for her, that I had trouble with eye contact because I would feel anxious. I was speaking the truth, usually I would stretch the truth to gain a personal advantage, especially at a place like this, but this was true. She answered "nonsense, you should stop making excuses like those, they're just going to harm you in the long run." My mother who was with me in the room added "she's right. You better stop lying like you always do, or else it's just going to get you in trouble like always." I just wish they could go outside the realm of the autism spectrum for once and actually asset me in primary improvements, like my anxiety!
Another time where I can find myself refusing to make any eye contact is when I'm feeling sad or emotional. At a time where I can't help but cry, I refuse to allow anyone to see me during this state. I need personal space when I'm feeling emotional, it's the only way that I can calm down, especially when I begin to cry for no reason. It really helps just locking myself in the restroom or the closet in extreme measures just to have some personal space. When I can't find myself any personal space (In my house I'd be lucky to even catch some alone time for a couple of minutes), you bet I'm not going to be talking to anyone, or at the very most not look at others. I don't like looking at others when I'm upset because it makes me feel like I'm going out of my comfort zone while sad, and I just don't have the strength to do that while emotionally down. This is apparent with anyone. With my family, they know that when I'm upset and they want to talk with me about something, they know that I'm going to look at anything but their eyes. It's harder to cope with my wish when I'm out in public. A place where this example perfectly fits is in the Regional center (a place I will always dread). I'm already upset and emotional the second I step inside the building. I'm forced to go by my mom, I never want to go there, but I'm always forced to go. I mean, who would want to go to a place that is always discriminating you based on first impressions rather than true potential. I feel so uncomfortable in that place; how are the supposed to expect me to look at them in the eye if everyone is so uncompassionate and cruel towards me. This one time, I was especially sad that I was being taken there because they were expecting me to have completed at least 60% of my goals, and I haven't completed that many (they forced me to try at least 10 new foods in the space of a month, you would've think that they would've started smaller), and I knew that I was going to get in trouble. When I went into this room, the lady that I was assigned got stright into business. I was 9 at the time, and she looked at my sheet with my goals. She asked me firmly "why didn't you complete this goal? And saying I didn't want to isn't an excuse." I got really scared. I answered "Because I didn't like the taste, it tasted weird." I was looking at her, but rather, at my hand rested on the side of the chair I was sitting on. I wasn't trying to be rude. My mom wasn't in there either, but if she were, this situation would've been different. She grabbed chin and pulled my head upwards so I can see her. She said "I'm not going to put up with anyone disobedient and rude. They told me things about you, and I'm going to make sure that I'm the one that fixes all the mistakes that you have. You have to look at me in the eyes now and tell me whatever you want. And I don't want to hear no Chicken butt nonsense either from that mouth of yours (Chicken butt used to be my stimming that I would constantly say to make myself feel more relaxed, and I presume that they wrote it in my report that I say it constantly). You can't always get your way, even simple things like looking away to feel more comfortable.
Today's blog wasn't as long as my others, but IveI been very busy because of the holidays. I was forced to, socialize (I despise socializing with my family), and I had the intentions of locking myself in the restroom and working on my blog. Although today's wasn't as long, I hope you still learned through my experience and hope that if you have a kid on the spectrum and has the problem of eye contact, that you will be more compassionate about it and learn from my experience how they feel. Until next time, have a great day :)
Anxiety is one of the huge factors. Like I've mentioned, staring at others eyes when talking just unleashes a huge amount of anxiety as to what I'm going to say next. You can almost think of it as eye contact deteriorates my ability to converse correctly, which is very true in my case. With family, of course this isn't the case, or in many occasions, such as talking with teachers, or any staff, since I know that I must step out of my comfort zone and not display any signs of being different (yes I discussed how I try not to care about what others think about me, but in certain times, you just have to act normal to not get into any trouble), but with people I don't personally know, or when I'm feeling anxious, because...I sometimes feel anxious for no reason (anxiety disorder), I can't go any longer without feeling worried as to what I should say. The body language, the facial expressions I witness as the people are waiting for me to respond. I can't bear hearing an "are you okay?" or anything that's virtually the same to that phrase, without my anxiety going up. I feel like walking away from the conversation, but then I don't because I know that would be rude of me, and many people already consider me a rude person for not looking at them straight at the eye. Rarely, and I mean, like around 7-8 months, this results in a sensory meltdown. If for whatever reason you guys don't know what a sensory meltdown is, it occurs when someone feels anxious from an overload of different sensory's, like when a kid is hearing loud fireworks, it emulates a meltdown, but the yelling, kicking, pushing, or falling to the ground isn't as a result of a "spoiled brat," but rather this happens because of an overload of a sensory. In my case, it wasn't terribly bad, but once this women approached me while I was in Downtown, and asked me for directions. I was already anxious as my bus to get back home was coming late, and the time itself was getting late, and I would've gotten in trouble for getting home late, and it would've been my fault for arriving late. She asked me if I knew how to get to this certain place. Once I heard the location, I knew where it was at, I knew the directions, heck, I could've told her like 3-4 different ways of getting there. Her presentation didn't scare me either, she seemed like in her middle 30's, well dressed, not like it really matters a lot. When I tried responding though, all that came out of my mouth was a "aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa………" I knew what I wanted to say perfectly, but I couldn't say it directly at her, I felt too scared for seemingly no reason. Once I stopped, she asked if I was fine. I answered "ya, ya, I'm fine." I just wanted her to leave, leave my view. I didn't want her leave because I didn't like her, or because I was trying to be rude, but because I completely lost my comfort zone. I just stared at the ground, and thankfully, she left about 10 seconds later. I caught my breath, hoping that not that many people saw. I felt embarrassed; during this time, the regional center tried to asset me in some goals, learning proper eye contact being one of them. I clearly told the women who to this date I still have a hatred passion for her, that I had trouble with eye contact because I would feel anxious. I was speaking the truth, usually I would stretch the truth to gain a personal advantage, especially at a place like this, but this was true. She answered "nonsense, you should stop making excuses like those, they're just going to harm you in the long run." My mother who was with me in the room added "she's right. You better stop lying like you always do, or else it's just going to get you in trouble like always." I just wish they could go outside the realm of the autism spectrum for once and actually asset me in primary improvements, like my anxiety!
Another time where I can find myself refusing to make any eye contact is when I'm feeling sad or emotional. At a time where I can't help but cry, I refuse to allow anyone to see me during this state. I need personal space when I'm feeling emotional, it's the only way that I can calm down, especially when I begin to cry for no reason. It really helps just locking myself in the restroom or the closet in extreme measures just to have some personal space. When I can't find myself any personal space (In my house I'd be lucky to even catch some alone time for a couple of minutes), you bet I'm not going to be talking to anyone, or at the very most not look at others. I don't like looking at others when I'm upset because it makes me feel like I'm going out of my comfort zone while sad, and I just don't have the strength to do that while emotionally down. This is apparent with anyone. With my family, they know that when I'm upset and they want to talk with me about something, they know that I'm going to look at anything but their eyes. It's harder to cope with my wish when I'm out in public. A place where this example perfectly fits is in the Regional center (a place I will always dread). I'm already upset and emotional the second I step inside the building. I'm forced to go by my mom, I never want to go there, but I'm always forced to go. I mean, who would want to go to a place that is always discriminating you based on first impressions rather than true potential. I feel so uncomfortable in that place; how are the supposed to expect me to look at them in the eye if everyone is so uncompassionate and cruel towards me. This one time, I was especially sad that I was being taken there because they were expecting me to have completed at least 60% of my goals, and I haven't completed that many (they forced me to try at least 10 new foods in the space of a month, you would've think that they would've started smaller), and I knew that I was going to get in trouble. When I went into this room, the lady that I was assigned got stright into business. I was 9 at the time, and she looked at my sheet with my goals. She asked me firmly "why didn't you complete this goal? And saying I didn't want to isn't an excuse." I got really scared. I answered "Because I didn't like the taste, it tasted weird." I was looking at her, but rather, at my hand rested on the side of the chair I was sitting on. I wasn't trying to be rude. My mom wasn't in there either, but if she were, this situation would've been different. She grabbed chin and pulled my head upwards so I can see her. She said "I'm not going to put up with anyone disobedient and rude. They told me things about you, and I'm going to make sure that I'm the one that fixes all the mistakes that you have. You have to look at me in the eyes now and tell me whatever you want. And I don't want to hear no Chicken butt nonsense either from that mouth of yours (Chicken butt used to be my stimming that I would constantly say to make myself feel more relaxed, and I presume that they wrote it in my report that I say it constantly). You can't always get your way, even simple things like looking away to feel more comfortable.
Today's blog wasn't as long as my others, but IveI been very busy because of the holidays. I was forced to, socialize (I despise socializing with my family), and I had the intentions of locking myself in the restroom and working on my blog. Although today's wasn't as long, I hope you still learned through my experience and hope that if you have a kid on the spectrum and has the problem of eye contact, that you will be more compassionate about it and learn from my experience how they feel. Until next time, have a great day :)
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