Staying strong since 2002
As much as I hate having a disability because the people around me make it hard on me, I try to continue forward, with a big smile on my face. After all, I have a future ahead of me. I'm already on the top 10 for my graduating class, which as exciting as it as, it doesn't surprise me at all that I have achieved this far. Even though lots of factors are blocking me from achieving my goal, such as having a old, cheap, rusty laptop which glitches if I just zoom in on a photo, having such unsupportive family who don't believe in me, and did I mention the second one? I find life stressing that I have to hide my disability from my best friend whom I share all my secrets with, but it's not hiding. Hiding my secret would mean temporarily removing my disability, which of course is impossible. The truth is, I'm actually masking my disability, shielding it so that way it doesn't escape. Of course, I realize I'm not alone in this one, which is the reason why I ever started writing these blogs, to lend a huge helping hand. What's not better than writing about one of my cousins, who is the only other family member on the autism spectrum?
I was discovered my disability at the age of two, which is younger than the average child, being three years old. I was tested for weeks, and my mom and dad were confused as to what autism was (technically I was also discovered ADHD as well but I don't talk about that since it died down as well). This probably also explains why my parents are so overprotective towards me and not my sister. The doctors most likely told them a bunch of over exaggerated facts on the disability, meaning that they understood nothing but lies in my scenario. I was the first to receive this disability in our whole family, and I mean all of them. My aunts, uncles, cousins, and even my own sister, couldn't believe that I actually carried this disability, and there was no removal. Being in special ed classes for three years was painful, because I was forced to be with students that got jealous of me because I had such amazing qualities (at that point, the district knew they made a mistake in putting me in a special ed setting). Even when I mainstreamed though, I still got teased, which as result caused a school change for me, along with suffering at home with my aunts and uncles constantly visiting my mom. My self-esteem was greatly low around the age of 13, because at that point, I thought that I had no future, and that my life was going to be controlled by others. I suffer from Depression and Anxiety problems as well, so that and my problems did not mix well. I cried daily for weeks, had panic attacks, and once in a while think about running away. But I didn't, and I decreased my panic attacks, as well as my crying. I knew I had to stay resilient about this whole situation, because if my parents weren't those awesome, supportive parents that would always post on Instagram, I had to become my own strong motivator. I also had to stay strong for my now 13 year old cousin, who also suffers just like me.
Now that I'm 15, he looks up to me now more than ever. He was also born the same year that I was diagnosed, so a bit of coincidence there if you ask me. Sure, were both autistic and we suffer from the hate of our family and school, but that's where the similarities end. He wasn't declared autistic until the age of three, a bit more in the average range. My scale on the autistic scale decreased over time. From a 0 to 10, with 0 being nothing to 10 being the worst, I started off at a 2 and I'm now at a 1 (two years ago I was still at 1.5 so I'm pretty sure I won't improve much more). I can't say much about my cousin, because I'm positive he's stuck where he stands on the scale, which isn't good. He started off at a 4, and it took him seven years just to decrease to a 3.5. Now that's he's 13, his last report had him still standing at a 3.5, since he still has the same problems now that he had when he was 10, a.k.a the year where he went down on the scale. His problems are much worst than mine, hence him having a score of 3.5. The last time I saw him was about half an year ago, so what I'm about to list might be changed or completely gone, but I'm bound to see him again for Christmas, so another month away. First and most noticeable, he doesn't have any eye contact with an exclusion with family members. He always has eye contact with me, my mom, my sister, and some other aunts, uncles (ugh, why them!) and cousins. He doesn't display eye contact with random strangers, or even family members that he hasn't met in a long while. Another thing, he often makes a few clicking sounds with his mouth. He rarely does this while eating or somewhere crowded, rather, somewhere isolated like his room or a house. Also, he doesn't talk normal. While his speech is fine, I'm talking about the way he talks. I can't really explain it, he just doesn't talk normal for 70% of conversations that we have. A smaller issue with him is that he owns a Nintendo 3ds, okay that's not the issue. The issue is that he owns a bunch of rpg games, which include a bunch of dialogue. He reads loudly every single word off any word that appears on the screen, and he doesn't notice this. He also doesn't seem to notice where he does this, like one time where he was talking loudly inside Ihop.
My cousin actually beats me in a few places. For example, he doesn't mind food textures, or shapes at all. I mean, I have this problem decreased from the average autistic individual, but it's still there. He also isn't afraid of any sounds, loud or scary, and the only sound I'm afraid of is thunder. Whenever he expresses himself or talks, he says it very clearly and doesn't have any grammar or speech delays as far as I have heard from him. So besides the things that I mentioned about him, he's untouched from any other aspect. He's currently a 8th grader at school, but he's still stuck in a special ed setting. He has two best friends at school, Chris and Annie, both who are special ed as well. They also hang out with him after school as last year when I went over to his house, I saw him, Chris, and Annie together. His grades are nowhere near my Ivy league ready grades, or even UC ready. As much as I hate to see the truth, due to his 2.83gpa average, with mainly C's that he gets, the best that he can apply to is maybe a Cal State, if not a community college. Of course, he's an 8th grader, so the grades that he's getting right now don't apply towards college applications, but it's a good reflection as to what he will get in high school. Last time I checked his grades which was around a few weeks ago when he sent me a photo, he was barely passing math with a C- (71%), language arts with a C+ (79%), science with a solid B (83%), social studies with a B+ (88%), PE with a A+ (100%) (I speak for anyone when I say who wouldn't.), and his elective writing skills, which is one of the three electives that are only offered to special ed students in a special ed setting, the other two being social skills and basic skills, he's passing with a B (86%). (Fact, in the Los Angeles School District, they only offer these three electives to the special ed setting. The only other way that a special ed student in that setting can go towards normal electives such as Band, Yearbook, Sports, ETC. is if the reason that the student is in special ed only because his grades are bad, but the individual isn't affected socially/blends in with the normal ed students, even though most of these electives require you to have good grades, so.......).
My cousin means the world to me, because we always text each other whenever he comes back from school (he has an iPod) and he talks about his day and his friends. I too forget that he suffers just like me, and I wish it could stay that way forever, but it can't. My aunts and uncles don't tease him a lot like they do to me, actually I don't think they bully him at all. Since his mom is so isolated with the rest of the family (I'm not talking about distance), he barely comes to any of the family gatherings. In fact, I'm extremely lucky that he's going to my Uncles house of Christmas because the last time I saw him without going to his house personally was around two years ago! It's my job to set a good example on where I'm going in life, because since obviously he knows about my disability, he says we have a bunch in common. I guess I can say he's like my younger brother I wish I had because he looks up to me and depends on me to make himself feel better. I also hadn't told him about my blogs (or anyone else) but I were to tell anyone about my blogs, he would be the first person to know about them. He truly deserves to finally see the truth about the world, because as much as he doesn't know how much I'm suffering, that can be him in the near-future. After all, I am sort of starting to make him more aware about his disability, in which his own mom started to notice a few months ago, but he just says since he's growing up, he's becoming more aware about himself, since he knows that if he rats me out, both of us will get in trouble. His mom's main concern is that if he continues to get more aware, he will eventually hate himself for something that wasn't his fault, just like me.
To finish off my blog, I just want to point out a few things. For one, despite everything going on between our lives right now, me and my cousin will continue to fight for our rights, and no one can take that away from us. I have it more tough because of my family, and school-wise, both in which my cousin is worry-free. In the past, about two years ago, I would be crying inside my restroom for who I was, for being hated, for something that wasn't my fault. Eventually, I decided to leave my past behind because even though I can't prove my family wrong because their so stubborn and horrible, I know I proved myself wrong. For my cousin, for anyone who's suffering because of something that's not their fault, for my amazing future ahead of me, I have to leave my pain away, all the hate that I received, I will continue to write blogs to stay strong.
I was discovered my disability at the age of two, which is younger than the average child, being three years old. I was tested for weeks, and my mom and dad were confused as to what autism was (technically I was also discovered ADHD as well but I don't talk about that since it died down as well). This probably also explains why my parents are so overprotective towards me and not my sister. The doctors most likely told them a bunch of over exaggerated facts on the disability, meaning that they understood nothing but lies in my scenario. I was the first to receive this disability in our whole family, and I mean all of them. My aunts, uncles, cousins, and even my own sister, couldn't believe that I actually carried this disability, and there was no removal. Being in special ed classes for three years was painful, because I was forced to be with students that got jealous of me because I had such amazing qualities (at that point, the district knew they made a mistake in putting me in a special ed setting). Even when I mainstreamed though, I still got teased, which as result caused a school change for me, along with suffering at home with my aunts and uncles constantly visiting my mom. My self-esteem was greatly low around the age of 13, because at that point, I thought that I had no future, and that my life was going to be controlled by others. I suffer from Depression and Anxiety problems as well, so that and my problems did not mix well. I cried daily for weeks, had panic attacks, and once in a while think about running away. But I didn't, and I decreased my panic attacks, as well as my crying. I knew I had to stay resilient about this whole situation, because if my parents weren't those awesome, supportive parents that would always post on Instagram, I had to become my own strong motivator. I also had to stay strong for my now 13 year old cousin, who also suffers just like me.
Now that I'm 15, he looks up to me now more than ever. He was also born the same year that I was diagnosed, so a bit of coincidence there if you ask me. Sure, were both autistic and we suffer from the hate of our family and school, but that's where the similarities end. He wasn't declared autistic until the age of three, a bit more in the average range. My scale on the autistic scale decreased over time. From a 0 to 10, with 0 being nothing to 10 being the worst, I started off at a 2 and I'm now at a 1 (two years ago I was still at 1.5 so I'm pretty sure I won't improve much more). I can't say much about my cousin, because I'm positive he's stuck where he stands on the scale, which isn't good. He started off at a 4, and it took him seven years just to decrease to a 3.5. Now that's he's 13, his last report had him still standing at a 3.5, since he still has the same problems now that he had when he was 10, a.k.a the year where he went down on the scale. His problems are much worst than mine, hence him having a score of 3.5. The last time I saw him was about half an year ago, so what I'm about to list might be changed or completely gone, but I'm bound to see him again for Christmas, so another month away. First and most noticeable, he doesn't have any eye contact with an exclusion with family members. He always has eye contact with me, my mom, my sister, and some other aunts, uncles (ugh, why them!) and cousins. He doesn't display eye contact with random strangers, or even family members that he hasn't met in a long while. Another thing, he often makes a few clicking sounds with his mouth. He rarely does this while eating or somewhere crowded, rather, somewhere isolated like his room or a house. Also, he doesn't talk normal. While his speech is fine, I'm talking about the way he talks. I can't really explain it, he just doesn't talk normal for 70% of conversations that we have. A smaller issue with him is that he owns a Nintendo 3ds, okay that's not the issue. The issue is that he owns a bunch of rpg games, which include a bunch of dialogue. He reads loudly every single word off any word that appears on the screen, and he doesn't notice this. He also doesn't seem to notice where he does this, like one time where he was talking loudly inside Ihop.
My cousin actually beats me in a few places. For example, he doesn't mind food textures, or shapes at all. I mean, I have this problem decreased from the average autistic individual, but it's still there. He also isn't afraid of any sounds, loud or scary, and the only sound I'm afraid of is thunder. Whenever he expresses himself or talks, he says it very clearly and doesn't have any grammar or speech delays as far as I have heard from him. So besides the things that I mentioned about him, he's untouched from any other aspect. He's currently a 8th grader at school, but he's still stuck in a special ed setting. He has two best friends at school, Chris and Annie, both who are special ed as well. They also hang out with him after school as last year when I went over to his house, I saw him, Chris, and Annie together. His grades are nowhere near my Ivy league ready grades, or even UC ready. As much as I hate to see the truth, due to his 2.83gpa average, with mainly C's that he gets, the best that he can apply to is maybe a Cal State, if not a community college. Of course, he's an 8th grader, so the grades that he's getting right now don't apply towards college applications, but it's a good reflection as to what he will get in high school. Last time I checked his grades which was around a few weeks ago when he sent me a photo, he was barely passing math with a C- (71%), language arts with a C+ (79%), science with a solid B (83%), social studies with a B+ (88%), PE with a A+ (100%) (I speak for anyone when I say who wouldn't.), and his elective writing skills, which is one of the three electives that are only offered to special ed students in a special ed setting, the other two being social skills and basic skills, he's passing with a B (86%). (Fact, in the Los Angeles School District, they only offer these three electives to the special ed setting. The only other way that a special ed student in that setting can go towards normal electives such as Band, Yearbook, Sports, ETC. is if the reason that the student is in special ed only because his grades are bad, but the individual isn't affected socially/blends in with the normal ed students, even though most of these electives require you to have good grades, so.......).
My cousin means the world to me, because we always text each other whenever he comes back from school (he has an iPod) and he talks about his day and his friends. I too forget that he suffers just like me, and I wish it could stay that way forever, but it can't. My aunts and uncles don't tease him a lot like they do to me, actually I don't think they bully him at all. Since his mom is so isolated with the rest of the family (I'm not talking about distance), he barely comes to any of the family gatherings. In fact, I'm extremely lucky that he's going to my Uncles house of Christmas because the last time I saw him without going to his house personally was around two years ago! It's my job to set a good example on where I'm going in life, because since obviously he knows about my disability, he says we have a bunch in common. I guess I can say he's like my younger brother I wish I had because he looks up to me and depends on me to make himself feel better. I also hadn't told him about my blogs (or anyone else) but I were to tell anyone about my blogs, he would be the first person to know about them. He truly deserves to finally see the truth about the world, because as much as he doesn't know how much I'm suffering, that can be him in the near-future. After all, I am sort of starting to make him more aware about his disability, in which his own mom started to notice a few months ago, but he just says since he's growing up, he's becoming more aware about himself, since he knows that if he rats me out, both of us will get in trouble. His mom's main concern is that if he continues to get more aware, he will eventually hate himself for something that wasn't his fault, just like me.
To finish off my blog, I just want to point out a few things. For one, despite everything going on between our lives right now, me and my cousin will continue to fight for our rights, and no one can take that away from us. I have it more tough because of my family, and school-wise, both in which my cousin is worry-free. In the past, about two years ago, I would be crying inside my restroom for who I was, for being hated, for something that wasn't my fault. Eventually, I decided to leave my past behind because even though I can't prove my family wrong because their so stubborn and horrible, I know I proved myself wrong. For my cousin, for anyone who's suffering because of something that's not their fault, for my amazing future ahead of me, I have to leave my pain away, all the hate that I received, I will continue to write blogs to stay strong.
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