My own loss
"You don't look autistic." "Is there a cure?" "Autistic people suck." I've went through it all, I've witnessed it all. Everyone telling me things, I'm no different than any other autistic individual in this section because I've heard these comments about me a countless amount of times. It's really hard that I have to go through this, because I'm not a adult where people can give me respect. I'm barely a teenager, where I'm looked as the minority and I have no say in literally anything. The worst part is that I've heard these comments when I was way younger, where my childhood was supposed to consist of toys, adventures, and happy days. While the first two were pretty accurate, I never felt extremely happy in my childhood. I didn't understand lots of things in my life, such as why are people saying that I would never be able to be independent, or why I wouldn't be as smart as other kids my age. It was really a tough childhood for me, but eventually it helped me to evolve, evolve into someone stronger, someone confident, someone resistant, I learned from my past, and that's all that matters. Something that I still hadn't changed however, is my relationship with my best friends. I met the first one in the 3rd grade, and the second one in the 6th grade. They are my best friends and I never felt like we have let each other down. So what's the problem? As much as I trust them with all of my heart, I have not told them about my disability. In today's blog, I want to talk about how almost seven years has past, yet I hadn't told any of my friends about my disability.
I have six friends in total that I hang out with very often, but the two that I mentioned a bit ago are my true friends. Every birthday party, every conflict, every sick days, I will always be by their side because that's what best friends are for. So what's keeping me from just saying three simple words "I have autism." It's a lot harder than it seems, because I've tried to tell them the truth before. Well only two times, but it's something, and both times I have backed down for the same reason: I'm not sure if they're ready to know. I have live years through hateful comments, harsh comments, and bad comments really, about me, and it's all because of my disability. Even small stuff like "you don't look autistic." still ticks me off a lot because that just comes to show that people are still not educated enough. These comments, I want to avoid with my friends. It's hard having to explain something like this, and just having to heard "you're autistic?" from my very own friends, I can imagine the waterworks. I really don't want to go through all of this if they do eventually find out. It's really hard explaining your background story, how much I have lied to them, such as the times that I lied to them that I wasn't home but I was really home getting an assessment report, without shedding a tear. Just the fact that I have lied to them makes me a bad friend on my own, because I promised to them that we would never hide anything, no matter how stupid, dumb, or annoying it might be. I'm the type of person that gets extremely emotional in a matter of seconds, and it's a really bad thing for me. I cry for hours in my own for many reasons, mainly my disability. I don't want to cry in my room for hours, just because my friends weren't able to understand that I do have a disability. If I ever hear a "your joking, right?" after I reveal my disability, I get angry. I've seen it from my own mom, who never even saw me as a human being until I had to prove it to her, so for people to think the same way my mom does, it's hard not to stay calm, at least in my case. My aunts and uncles are another obvious example, they have bullied me in the past, and as a result, I lost all hope of acceptance for a while because of them. I know my friends would never go to their level (it would be extremely surprising if they were to), but them just heading towards that direction would really get me upset, because that would mean that they think exactly like society, and you know how I feel about society at the moment.
Another thing is that I hadn't even mentioned anything autism related to them. This is another thing that I'm afraid to mention, because this shows what they feel about the disability. Will they be passionate and say that autistic individuals are like us, or will they be like everyone else and make fun of autistic memes. What I see from their perspective in this topic, is the way that they will continue to treat me if they were ever to learn about my disability. To be fair, they hadn't really mentioned anything related about autism either, so it's hard to say what outlook they have for it. I also know their family fairly well, and none of them have any autistic individuals. I'm serious, from siblings, parents, uncles, aunts, cousins, which makes it worst in my opinion because that would mean that they most likely don't have any personal insight on autism, which most likely means that if they do know about autism, it's very minimal. That stopped me from revealing my secret immediately, and making me regret my past tries. What would change after I tell them, what wouldn't, it's really hard that I even have to think about that, because at the same time, I shouldn't because if I can pass as being 'normal' around people and crowds, I should just keep my disability a secret. At the same time, I also feel extremely guilty that I hadn't told them about my secret yet because they have cried when they tell me things, like really bad things. I promised them that I would do the same for them as well, and I have lied to them everyday of my life. They don't deserve this, but at the same time, seeing my past and how that went, it's hard to make my decision. It's hard that I have to explain everything that people have done to me, because when people say forget about the people that don't care about you, I really do want to, but some of those people are my own family. I don't cry because I don't like them or they don't like me, I cry because of the amount of damage that they ever did to me, and explaining this to my friends makes it that much harder. If I tell my friends my secret, I tell them everything. Every joke, every humiliation, every insult, I don't want to breakdown in front of them, because I have never broken down in front of them. A small cry or tear, but not the amount of tears I usually release in my bedroom. I would have to reveal so much more than my disability to my friends, and it makes it that much harder to make my decision.
I worry a lot about my future. Usually, it's mainly about getting into my dream school in two years, UC Berkley. With a acceptance of a 17.5%, it's easily the most competitive school in California. Something that I've been worrying more about recently is my future with my best friends, more importantly, what would change if I reveal my secret. As I mentioned earlier, their outlook on autism has a huge significance in how they would treat me afterwards. It's either between they would continue to treat me normal, they wouldn't understand me afterwards, or they would start to make fun of me. The last two worry me a lot, because in a world where teenagers currently make or enjoy autistic memes (especially after the Florida school shooting), it's hard to not see those as possible outcomes. I don't want to run the risk of losing my friends as a result of my own mistake. It's really hard to make new friends at my school, not because I don't know how to, but because there's no one else that's like me. I don't want to hang out with any bad influences, and there's isn't a bunch of people that actually want to enjoy their high school experience, as well as taking their education seriously. Point is, my friends are literally their only kind, and I'm extremely lucky to have them by my side. It would be really sad to have to let them go, and it would be even more sad it I'd let them go because of my disability. You guys probably know that if I'd have the option to remove my disability, I would say no. In this case however, I would say yes. I hope you understand that all of the things that I had to go through as a child really affected me to the point of running away from my house, so the fact that I don't really want to go through the same things again, that would serve as a good explanation. It's hard that I have to even think about this just because of something that doesn't even affect me anymore, which is why I would say yes to remove my disability for good. It isn't something that defines me.
That's not to say that there isn't any negatives to my friends not knowing about my secret. If they turn out to continue to accept me despite of my disability, than this can go a very long way. I would have people that I can actually talk to for advice. As you probably know, this is a huge problem in my life, as I don't really have anyone to release my emotions besides two cousins (one of them is my autistic cousin (yes I do seek advice from him because he cares a lot about me and so do I)). But even then that's an issue, because they are usually so busy and most of the times, I can't immediately seek their advice. Having my friends as an extra set of support would change so much for me and would benefit me a lot. Another positive side is that I can finally explain a whole bunch of things that they were not able to get the answers from. Why would I frequently get out of class (RSP meetings), why would my mom be so overprotective, why did I hat my aunts and uncles so much. This would fill in all of the missing puzzle pieces and it would make me a lot better about myself that I don't have to hide anything at all. My last positive, even though it seems kind of a stretch, is that perhaps I can even teach them to become more aware. I can give them pointers, advice, statistics, and I can slowly get my dream of more awareness and acceptance with my friends on my side. Now that would be the best thing in this world, because I would have my friends at my side at all times. Unfortunately, it currently isn't this way. It can't be this way because I can't say for certain that this is the future that I'm going to have as a result. I can't say that my best friends will be my best friends for a long period of time. I cannot confirm what my future is going to look like, because what I do right now defines my future. So, by telling them about my disability is a huge thing going on in my life at the moment. It's something that I wish I would not have to go through, but I do. I have a bunch of positives to say about my disability, from becoming unique, a brilliant person, and a amazing helper to this community. But what I hate about my disability, is when it takes over me, and it defines me. Moments like these, along with family and school, my disability takes over, and I have no way of controlling myself though situations because I'm always the minority. That's why it's so hard to reveal my secret to my friends.
I hope you enjoyed this weeks blog. It was sort of hard writing this blog because it meant me visiting past memories, but I also want to share my story so others who might be dealing the same thing can relate as well. This community has served such a positive impact on me, and I'm glad to say that this community has helped me overcome a bunch of hard parts in my life. You guys are truly the best people that I know. As always, don't be shy, leave a comment to share anything you may want to, and why not follow my blog page if you'd want to be the first person to read my blogs before everyone else does? As always, thank you so much for reading, and have a nice day.
Autism might be a part of me, but it doesn't define me.
I have six friends in total that I hang out with very often, but the two that I mentioned a bit ago are my true friends. Every birthday party, every conflict, every sick days, I will always be by their side because that's what best friends are for. So what's keeping me from just saying three simple words "I have autism." It's a lot harder than it seems, because I've tried to tell them the truth before. Well only two times, but it's something, and both times I have backed down for the same reason: I'm not sure if they're ready to know. I have live years through hateful comments, harsh comments, and bad comments really, about me, and it's all because of my disability. Even small stuff like "you don't look autistic." still ticks me off a lot because that just comes to show that people are still not educated enough. These comments, I want to avoid with my friends. It's hard having to explain something like this, and just having to heard "you're autistic?" from my very own friends, I can imagine the waterworks. I really don't want to go through all of this if they do eventually find out. It's really hard explaining your background story, how much I have lied to them, such as the times that I lied to them that I wasn't home but I was really home getting an assessment report, without shedding a tear. Just the fact that I have lied to them makes me a bad friend on my own, because I promised to them that we would never hide anything, no matter how stupid, dumb, or annoying it might be. I'm the type of person that gets extremely emotional in a matter of seconds, and it's a really bad thing for me. I cry for hours in my own for many reasons, mainly my disability. I don't want to cry in my room for hours, just because my friends weren't able to understand that I do have a disability. If I ever hear a "your joking, right?" after I reveal my disability, I get angry. I've seen it from my own mom, who never even saw me as a human being until I had to prove it to her, so for people to think the same way my mom does, it's hard not to stay calm, at least in my case. My aunts and uncles are another obvious example, they have bullied me in the past, and as a result, I lost all hope of acceptance for a while because of them. I know my friends would never go to their level (it would be extremely surprising if they were to), but them just heading towards that direction would really get me upset, because that would mean that they think exactly like society, and you know how I feel about society at the moment.
Another thing is that I hadn't even mentioned anything autism related to them. This is another thing that I'm afraid to mention, because this shows what they feel about the disability. Will they be passionate and say that autistic individuals are like us, or will they be like everyone else and make fun of autistic memes. What I see from their perspective in this topic, is the way that they will continue to treat me if they were ever to learn about my disability. To be fair, they hadn't really mentioned anything related about autism either, so it's hard to say what outlook they have for it. I also know their family fairly well, and none of them have any autistic individuals. I'm serious, from siblings, parents, uncles, aunts, cousins, which makes it worst in my opinion because that would mean that they most likely don't have any personal insight on autism, which most likely means that if they do know about autism, it's very minimal. That stopped me from revealing my secret immediately, and making me regret my past tries. What would change after I tell them, what wouldn't, it's really hard that I even have to think about that, because at the same time, I shouldn't because if I can pass as being 'normal' around people and crowds, I should just keep my disability a secret. At the same time, I also feel extremely guilty that I hadn't told them about my secret yet because they have cried when they tell me things, like really bad things. I promised them that I would do the same for them as well, and I have lied to them everyday of my life. They don't deserve this, but at the same time, seeing my past and how that went, it's hard to make my decision. It's hard that I have to explain everything that people have done to me, because when people say forget about the people that don't care about you, I really do want to, but some of those people are my own family. I don't cry because I don't like them or they don't like me, I cry because of the amount of damage that they ever did to me, and explaining this to my friends makes it that much harder. If I tell my friends my secret, I tell them everything. Every joke, every humiliation, every insult, I don't want to breakdown in front of them, because I have never broken down in front of them. A small cry or tear, but not the amount of tears I usually release in my bedroom. I would have to reveal so much more than my disability to my friends, and it makes it that much harder to make my decision.
I worry a lot about my future. Usually, it's mainly about getting into my dream school in two years, UC Berkley. With a acceptance of a 17.5%, it's easily the most competitive school in California. Something that I've been worrying more about recently is my future with my best friends, more importantly, what would change if I reveal my secret. As I mentioned earlier, their outlook on autism has a huge significance in how they would treat me afterwards. It's either between they would continue to treat me normal, they wouldn't understand me afterwards, or they would start to make fun of me. The last two worry me a lot, because in a world where teenagers currently make or enjoy autistic memes (especially after the Florida school shooting), it's hard to not see those as possible outcomes. I don't want to run the risk of losing my friends as a result of my own mistake. It's really hard to make new friends at my school, not because I don't know how to, but because there's no one else that's like me. I don't want to hang out with any bad influences, and there's isn't a bunch of people that actually want to enjoy their high school experience, as well as taking their education seriously. Point is, my friends are literally their only kind, and I'm extremely lucky to have them by my side. It would be really sad to have to let them go, and it would be even more sad it I'd let them go because of my disability. You guys probably know that if I'd have the option to remove my disability, I would say no. In this case however, I would say yes. I hope you understand that all of the things that I had to go through as a child really affected me to the point of running away from my house, so the fact that I don't really want to go through the same things again, that would serve as a good explanation. It's hard that I have to even think about this just because of something that doesn't even affect me anymore, which is why I would say yes to remove my disability for good. It isn't something that defines me.
That's not to say that there isn't any negatives to my friends not knowing about my secret. If they turn out to continue to accept me despite of my disability, than this can go a very long way. I would have people that I can actually talk to for advice. As you probably know, this is a huge problem in my life, as I don't really have anyone to release my emotions besides two cousins (one of them is my autistic cousin (yes I do seek advice from him because he cares a lot about me and so do I)). But even then that's an issue, because they are usually so busy and most of the times, I can't immediately seek their advice. Having my friends as an extra set of support would change so much for me and would benefit me a lot. Another positive side is that I can finally explain a whole bunch of things that they were not able to get the answers from. Why would I frequently get out of class (RSP meetings), why would my mom be so overprotective, why did I hat my aunts and uncles so much. This would fill in all of the missing puzzle pieces and it would make me a lot better about myself that I don't have to hide anything at all. My last positive, even though it seems kind of a stretch, is that perhaps I can even teach them to become more aware. I can give them pointers, advice, statistics, and I can slowly get my dream of more awareness and acceptance with my friends on my side. Now that would be the best thing in this world, because I would have my friends at my side at all times. Unfortunately, it currently isn't this way. It can't be this way because I can't say for certain that this is the future that I'm going to have as a result. I can't say that my best friends will be my best friends for a long period of time. I cannot confirm what my future is going to look like, because what I do right now defines my future. So, by telling them about my disability is a huge thing going on in my life at the moment. It's something that I wish I would not have to go through, but I do. I have a bunch of positives to say about my disability, from becoming unique, a brilliant person, and a amazing helper to this community. But what I hate about my disability, is when it takes over me, and it defines me. Moments like these, along with family and school, my disability takes over, and I have no way of controlling myself though situations because I'm always the minority. That's why it's so hard to reveal my secret to my friends.
I hope you enjoyed this weeks blog. It was sort of hard writing this blog because it meant me visiting past memories, but I also want to share my story so others who might be dealing the same thing can relate as well. This community has served such a positive impact on me, and I'm glad to say that this community has helped me overcome a bunch of hard parts in my life. You guys are truly the best people that I know. As always, don't be shy, leave a comment to share anything you may want to, and why not follow my blog page if you'd want to be the first person to read my blogs before everyone else does? As always, thank you so much for reading, and have a nice day.
Autism might be a part of me, but it doesn't define me.
I am happy that you can see the big picture - personality I find that even if you tell people, they still try to act a bit like "Oh but just do this and things will be fine!" Or offer stupid suggestions. It is very rare to meet people who truly take the time to understand that you are different - not less than, just different.
ReplyDeleteI also find that people sometimes see autism like depression: "All you need is serotonin and positive thinking!!" It is hard to repeatedly explain that this is a structural difference in the brain, not a chemical imbalance that needs a tablet.
I guess I feel a bit negatibe today - am not trying to discourage you from sharing... I just feel like I thought sharing my diagnosis would make a difference and it has not made THAT much of a difference.
I really enjoyed this post as I really relate to gettin mad and upset with people when they tell me “i dont look autistic” I have tried to explain to people that while I dont want to be only this label, when you tell me That I dont neccesarily look autistic, I feel in some way you are devaluing me and telling me that I am not actually going through all the struggles that I do. You are very good at explainging how it feels. Thank you!
ReplyDelete