Not my type of party
For those of you that don't know, being on the spectrum really only affects me in two main areas: trying new foods and being afraid of certain sounds. I'm going to focus on the latter part for this blog. I'm only really afraid of one certain type of sound, thunder. It used to be fireworks as well, but you guys probably remember how I overcame that (read my previous blogs if you don't). I don't know why I'm afraid of thunder, because I know it won't harm me in any way, but whenever a thunderstorm pops out, I can't help it but covering my ears to mask the feeling of pain and torture. It isn't too bad only because there's rarely thunderstorms in my area (especially after California got into a drought), but whenever a thunderstorm does come, I like to plan ahead. If I have free time during the day of a thunderstorm, I like to head to a nearby mall (not too nearby but you get the point). It's really loud in there from many people talking so it blocks the noise of the thunder. Last year I went to that mall during a thunderstorm and when I saw a flash of lighting appear from a window, I didn't hear the sound of thunder appear seconds later. Just think of the mall as my safe space when there's a thunderstorm. In today's blog, I want to talk about a day where I didn't have my safe space to hide the sounds, and a thunderstorm ruined what was supposed to be the best day of my life: my 11th birthday party.
A few days before my 11th birthday (I'm 15 right now if you wondered), I knew it was going to rain, heavily in fact, but I knew that I wouldn't have to worry about any thunder. The day of my party went as planned. Instead of having all the chairs and tables being set up on the backyard, we had to relocate them to our garage, which was hard work cleaning up before the party. My best friends at that time all came around 4pm, and I was having a blast. We were all at the garage and I was enjoying my time with my friends and family (cousins of course, I wouldn't like to spend time with aunts and uncles). We scheduled my birthday cake to be eaten by 7:30pm, and it was around 6pm when all of the kids went over to the living room and we decided to watch movies. We were enjoying the movies, even though it was pouring rain and it was very windy outside. My sister who was next to me got what at first was a amber alert, and seconds later a bunch of people got the alert. I asked her, what car is it this time (no this wasn't a phase where I really liked cars, I just liked to ask what car was being driven by the kidnapper (yes we have a bunch of kidnappings in Los Angeles), but then she told that it wasn't a amber alert. Rather, she told me that the entire Los Angeles county, as well as parts of Ventura and Orange county were under a severe thunderstorm warning. At that point, I ran to the bedroom, and I turned on the TV to check the radar. I was getting scared, and I was covering my ears while this was happening because the thing I least wanted to hear was thunder. Once I made it to the weather channel, I saw what I didn't want to hear. A huge thunderstorm was heading our way, and I only a matter of minutes, for it was currently at Santa Monica. I began to yell and cry because I was extremely scared that I had no place to go and hide (I didn't know about my safe space at this time, but I did find out about it months afterwards). I check outside the window, and even though it was sort of distorted due to rain hitting the window, I saw a darker shade of clouds coming from a distance, which meant that I was going to experience yet another round of torture. It scared me like crazy, it made me feel nervous and like lots of bad things were going to happen to me at the same time. Obviously it didn't hurt me, but I don't really know how to describe what I go through when I experience a thunderstorm. The worst part is that I completely forgot that it was birthday for a minute until my mom came into the room.
She saw me (I was stress-sweating at this point), and she asked me, what's wrong, you're missing out on your own birthday party. I answered "there's a thunderstorm coming, I'm going to get scared." Of course I expected her response to be something like this "c'mon your really still scared of thunder, it's not going to hurt you." I exclaimed "I know it won't hurt me, you know I can't really explain how I feel when I hear loud sounds." She then asked "wait how do you know there's going to be one." I walked out to the window and I opened the curtains so she could see the dark clouds which I noticed that were already getting slightly closer. My mom observed the clouds then asked "well then what are you going to do. You just can't ditch your own party." I went into the restroom and I began to look around the drawers for some ear plugs that I knew I had somewhere for when there was a thunderstorm (I used those as a way to distort the thunder, not completely hide the sound, even though the last thunderstorm was 3-4 months before so I didn't really know where they were). My mom followed me to the restroom and said "You expect to use those right now, in front of your friends!" I answered "Of course I'm not using these in front of my friends, I'm staying in here until the thunder wears off." I turned towards my mom and she just face palmed herself, saying seconds later "why do you always do this." I wanted my mom to leave already because she wasn't making the situation any better, so I told her "go tell everyone that I got diarrhea, so they don't come in here and I can stay safe." Some minutes must have passed, because already I heard some thunder rumbling in the distance and I yelled loud as well as covering my ears. After seconds passed, I instantly regretted yelling because I'm pretty sure my friends heard me. I told my mom, who was still standing there "help me find the plugs, the thunderstorm is approaching." She then helped me quickly find the plugs and I found them first next to the medicine cabinet. I put them on and I felt a bit better, but I was still extremely scared. About three minutes passed, and I hear the rain getting really strong outside, and at that point I knew the thunderstorm was here. I tell my mom "okay I'll be fine now, go tell everyone what I just told you." She then leaves, most likely feeling disappointed, but I was more worried about the thunder and when it was coming. I was thinking about what my friends were thinking about me at this point, or what they would think of me if they knew the truth. I was thinking of quickly going to the bedroom and hide in the closet, as I blocked the noise a little bit better, but from the tiny window, I see a flash of thunder.
Thunder quickly rumbles seconds later and I yell even louder this time. My mom didn't come, because she knew I was in no real danger and it was just the sound of thunder that I was yelling at. I quickly ran from the restroom to the bedroom, and I hid myself inside my closet. I made sure that there was no crack between the door and the opening, and I got a rope that was stored in there and tied the knob to a pole inside the closet so the door wouldn't bulge. It was dark inside and uncomfortable, but at least I didn't hear the sound of pouring rain, which already got me a bit relieved. I waited there for a few minutes, since I knew the thunderstorm was going to stick for a few minutes. I was probably in the closet for 15 minutes when two strikes of lighting occurred within different times of that time-frame, each ending with thunder, as well as me yelling and crying. The sweating came back, and I felt like these moments were my last. Yep you heard that right, I felt like I was dying. Obviously, the thunderstorm had to end at one point, and that ending was about two hours later. I didn't hear anything for about 30 minutes, and when I slowly got out of the closet, I quickly turned on the TV and I saw that even though we were still under the severe thunderstorm warning, the more severe rain was down at San Diego at this point, meaning I was in the clear. I cleaned all of the sweat on my face, and when I finally went down to the garage, I see three of seven friends that were here. One of them asked, very worried "what happened, everyone heard you yell like two or three times." I answered with lies of course, and I was planning this while I was inside the closet "I saw a spider and it kept running around and I got scared because it kept running. He added "that's not what your mom told us at all, she said you got diarrhea. I added too "that was another situation, but I'm fine now." I look around, the party being more empty then it was before the whole thunderstorm, and I noticed that my birthday cake was already cut, and only slightly less than half of my cake remained. I quickly became mad at myself that I allowed the sound of thunder to ruin my birthday party. Once everyone left around 10pm, my sister explained that once they finished the movie, mom cut the cake for me and that a bunch of people left because they couldn't wait for me any longer. This was the time when I still hated myself for being on the spectrum, so I told myself, why am I autistic if I ruin people's lives.
I hope you guys enjoyed today's blog. I really feel like this is an issue that lots of people on the spectrum go through, so if you know people on the spectrum, just know that when we hear lots of noises, some more specific than others, just know that we're extremely scared, and we just need that noise to go away so we can feel more calm. It's hard that people scold us for being scared of things that were not supposed to be scared of. The support of others is already refreshing and smoothing so I know I have someone that supports me. As always, comment down anything that you want to ask, and I will check your comments. If you want to, go follow my page so you can be the first ones to view my blogs before anyone else does. As always, have a great day :)
You can't punish or judge someone for sensory overload, it's not our fault
A few days before my 11th birthday (I'm 15 right now if you wondered), I knew it was going to rain, heavily in fact, but I knew that I wouldn't have to worry about any thunder. The day of my party went as planned. Instead of having all the chairs and tables being set up on the backyard, we had to relocate them to our garage, which was hard work cleaning up before the party. My best friends at that time all came around 4pm, and I was having a blast. We were all at the garage and I was enjoying my time with my friends and family (cousins of course, I wouldn't like to spend time with aunts and uncles). We scheduled my birthday cake to be eaten by 7:30pm, and it was around 6pm when all of the kids went over to the living room and we decided to watch movies. We were enjoying the movies, even though it was pouring rain and it was very windy outside. My sister who was next to me got what at first was a amber alert, and seconds later a bunch of people got the alert. I asked her, what car is it this time (no this wasn't a phase where I really liked cars, I just liked to ask what car was being driven by the kidnapper (yes we have a bunch of kidnappings in Los Angeles), but then she told that it wasn't a amber alert. Rather, she told me that the entire Los Angeles county, as well as parts of Ventura and Orange county were under a severe thunderstorm warning. At that point, I ran to the bedroom, and I turned on the TV to check the radar. I was getting scared, and I was covering my ears while this was happening because the thing I least wanted to hear was thunder. Once I made it to the weather channel, I saw what I didn't want to hear. A huge thunderstorm was heading our way, and I only a matter of minutes, for it was currently at Santa Monica. I began to yell and cry because I was extremely scared that I had no place to go and hide (I didn't know about my safe space at this time, but I did find out about it months afterwards). I check outside the window, and even though it was sort of distorted due to rain hitting the window, I saw a darker shade of clouds coming from a distance, which meant that I was going to experience yet another round of torture. It scared me like crazy, it made me feel nervous and like lots of bad things were going to happen to me at the same time. Obviously it didn't hurt me, but I don't really know how to describe what I go through when I experience a thunderstorm. The worst part is that I completely forgot that it was birthday for a minute until my mom came into the room.
She saw me (I was stress-sweating at this point), and she asked me, what's wrong, you're missing out on your own birthday party. I answered "there's a thunderstorm coming, I'm going to get scared." Of course I expected her response to be something like this "c'mon your really still scared of thunder, it's not going to hurt you." I exclaimed "I know it won't hurt me, you know I can't really explain how I feel when I hear loud sounds." She then asked "wait how do you know there's going to be one." I walked out to the window and I opened the curtains so she could see the dark clouds which I noticed that were already getting slightly closer. My mom observed the clouds then asked "well then what are you going to do. You just can't ditch your own party." I went into the restroom and I began to look around the drawers for some ear plugs that I knew I had somewhere for when there was a thunderstorm (I used those as a way to distort the thunder, not completely hide the sound, even though the last thunderstorm was 3-4 months before so I didn't really know where they were). My mom followed me to the restroom and said "You expect to use those right now, in front of your friends!" I answered "Of course I'm not using these in front of my friends, I'm staying in here until the thunder wears off." I turned towards my mom and she just face palmed herself, saying seconds later "why do you always do this." I wanted my mom to leave already because she wasn't making the situation any better, so I told her "go tell everyone that I got diarrhea, so they don't come in here and I can stay safe." Some minutes must have passed, because already I heard some thunder rumbling in the distance and I yelled loud as well as covering my ears. After seconds passed, I instantly regretted yelling because I'm pretty sure my friends heard me. I told my mom, who was still standing there "help me find the plugs, the thunderstorm is approaching." She then helped me quickly find the plugs and I found them first next to the medicine cabinet. I put them on and I felt a bit better, but I was still extremely scared. About three minutes passed, and I hear the rain getting really strong outside, and at that point I knew the thunderstorm was here. I tell my mom "okay I'll be fine now, go tell everyone what I just told you." She then leaves, most likely feeling disappointed, but I was more worried about the thunder and when it was coming. I was thinking about what my friends were thinking about me at this point, or what they would think of me if they knew the truth. I was thinking of quickly going to the bedroom and hide in the closet, as I blocked the noise a little bit better, but from the tiny window, I see a flash of thunder.
Thunder quickly rumbles seconds later and I yell even louder this time. My mom didn't come, because she knew I was in no real danger and it was just the sound of thunder that I was yelling at. I quickly ran from the restroom to the bedroom, and I hid myself inside my closet. I made sure that there was no crack between the door and the opening, and I got a rope that was stored in there and tied the knob to a pole inside the closet so the door wouldn't bulge. It was dark inside and uncomfortable, but at least I didn't hear the sound of pouring rain, which already got me a bit relieved. I waited there for a few minutes, since I knew the thunderstorm was going to stick for a few minutes. I was probably in the closet for 15 minutes when two strikes of lighting occurred within different times of that time-frame, each ending with thunder, as well as me yelling and crying. The sweating came back, and I felt like these moments were my last. Yep you heard that right, I felt like I was dying. Obviously, the thunderstorm had to end at one point, and that ending was about two hours later. I didn't hear anything for about 30 minutes, and when I slowly got out of the closet, I quickly turned on the TV and I saw that even though we were still under the severe thunderstorm warning, the more severe rain was down at San Diego at this point, meaning I was in the clear. I cleaned all of the sweat on my face, and when I finally went down to the garage, I see three of seven friends that were here. One of them asked, very worried "what happened, everyone heard you yell like two or three times." I answered with lies of course, and I was planning this while I was inside the closet "I saw a spider and it kept running around and I got scared because it kept running. He added "that's not what your mom told us at all, she said you got diarrhea. I added too "that was another situation, but I'm fine now." I look around, the party being more empty then it was before the whole thunderstorm, and I noticed that my birthday cake was already cut, and only slightly less than half of my cake remained. I quickly became mad at myself that I allowed the sound of thunder to ruin my birthday party. Once everyone left around 10pm, my sister explained that once they finished the movie, mom cut the cake for me and that a bunch of people left because they couldn't wait for me any longer. This was the time when I still hated myself for being on the spectrum, so I told myself, why am I autistic if I ruin people's lives.
I hope you guys enjoyed today's blog. I really feel like this is an issue that lots of people on the spectrum go through, so if you know people on the spectrum, just know that when we hear lots of noises, some more specific than others, just know that we're extremely scared, and we just need that noise to go away so we can feel more calm. It's hard that people scold us for being scared of things that were not supposed to be scared of. The support of others is already refreshing and smoothing so I know I have someone that supports me. As always, comment down anything that you want to ask, and I will check your comments. If you want to, go follow my page so you can be the first ones to view my blogs before anyone else does. As always, have a great day :)
You can't punish or judge someone for sensory overload, it's not our fault
Comments
Post a Comment