What I'm meant to be
Everything up to this point has shaped me up to what's going to happen in the future. I received yet another quarter progress report and I received yet another 4.0 GPA. At this point, getting a 4.0 seems rather standard for me and I don't feel excited anymore. Of course, if I get anything less than that (even a 3.99 which I'm pretty sure is impossible to get at my school), I will become disappointed. I also enjoy running. Running not only adds a extra cushion of fitness in my lifestyle, but I mainly enjoy the views around me, and that in itself shows me that I really love exploring. I also enjoy writing stories. When I was young, all the books I read (not including A,B,C's of anything like that) seemed uninteresting to me. The books that I enjoyed were adventure books (of course) and since their weren't any adventure books that I desired (all the books I read either followed the hero's journey or was in first person view in which I wasn't able to hear other character's opinions), I decided to make my own(s). I started off with simple 5 page stories with pictures with my therapists (don't remember what kind) but as time progressed, I realized that those won't do much for them to be a success, so I decided to go all out. I started off writing a amazing story about three years ago. I thought the most I was going to get around it was about 60-75. Now I look at the pages and I have a whopping 125 pages, and it's not even done yet. Another thing that I know extremely well are electronics, or more specifically, the specifications of phones, tablets, TV's and computers/laptops Name me any phone, tablet, TV's, and computers/laptops, and I can tell you all the specs from the processor it uses to the camera megapixels. I also know a bit on repairing phones though I have never attempted it. Another skill of mine is creating buildings, race tracks, stadiums, and many other things from paper. Yep, I cut the paper, tape the necessary parts, color them, and done! Trust me, it's way harder than it seems. Something else that I am pretty good at are directions. Southern California has been basically home to me, so I might as well remember my surroundings, except I know all of them. From Bakersfield to Laguna Beach, tell me a location and heck, I can even tell you the fastest way to arrive to your destination. Last thing I'm great at is being me. I know it's rather cheesy to say this but it's the truth. I'm glad to get 4.0 GPA's, have supportive and helpful friends, avoiding any kind of trouble that can lead to negative consequences, and most important one of all, sticking to being me, and not trying to be anyone I'm not, and I'm proud of it. As you can see, I have a mammoth amount of great qualities. How I'm able to achieve all of this, I honestly have no idea. I just go with the flow and just do it. This blog is going to be extremely long, so grab the popcorn and enjoy the blog!
So I reviewed on a earlier blog how I started being aware of my autism and how I became an autistic advocate, but it goes back way earlier than 2nd grade. It started right around preschool! Well, to be fair, the only thing I remember from that class is about a minute of running around a playground, and running back to a classroom. I was in a special ed setting back then (as much as it hurts to say it), and after preschool, came kindergarten. Believe it or not, I went to five different elementary schools, and all for one reason. Somehow, some kid figured out the truth and they bullied me because of the truth. School after school after school, I wasn't comfortable with the kids teasing me, though at that time I didn't understand why though they somehow did. Only one time was it my fault that the kids knew my secret and it was during the second grade. I mainstreamed out of the second grade and since I was still at that same school, me and someone else that I can't remember were walking near the special ed classrooms (a fence separates the regular and special ed classrooms), and I was so dumb enough to tell the kid that I used to be on the other side of the fence. He asked me if I was special ed and I even dumber answered yes. I don't remembered much else besides more teasing and bullying the next day at school. It hurts me so much how I had to suffer through all this just because of who I was. My mom thinks that being embarrassed of who I am is just a stage in my life and I'm going to eventually get over it, but it's not. I went through so much when I was little and that can't never be forgotten. That's also the reason why I hadn't told anyone that I write blogs. They most likely wont understand the meaning behind this, and their going to think I'm insane publically posting these blogs, but it's not! My family doesn't understand that I'm doing this to make a difference. I'm doing this so I can help another kid or whoever it might be that's feeling the exact way that I am, because I know the large amount of pain that it can create when no one is on your side. I want to show them that they're not alone, they should stick up for what they believe in, and nothing can change them. Of course, this is only of those who are embarrassed of the truth. If another kid doesn't even mind at all, I won't change their opinions. It's their life and not mine.
It doesn't stop there. The hate, discrimination, understatements, just keeps on flowing. Another reason why I started writing blogs was because I felt bad when I hear others using that word autistic in a bad way. These stereotypes are annoying such as "they can't be independent" or "they can actually do this" or "having autism is such a shame." You guys have no idea how much I used to receive these kinds of comments that give me beliefs that I wouldn't be able to succeed in any way. Even though I now realize that's not the case, I know it still isn't other kid suffering through this because I witnessed it myself one time. About four months ago, the only other special ed student in my Algebra 1 class went up to the teacher. I sit right near the teacher and I'm also separated from the students (not for any bad reason) and of course I overheard the entire conversation. The kid was asking if their was any way that he can raise up the F that he had in the class. The teacher answered that his only hope was the finals. He said, oh no I can't possibly pass that. The teacher asked why? And he answered that he was special ed. As soon as I heard that, I started to cry a little. Even though he isn't my friend or someone I talk to frequently, it hurt me that even he was doubting himself for who he was, but as I later learned more, I realized that it wasn't his fault as even his family seemed a bit ashamed for even having him. I couldn't believe what I was hearing through my ear-holes (or whatever they're called) and I was quite disappointed at the ending result. He moved out of the school about three months and I hadn't seen or heard of him ever since. Even to this day, I still remember that shameful day that someone had to experience. It wasn't their fault to begin with, so why must they suffer an unnecessary insult? It just seems normal now in days for kids with disabilities to be the main targets of hate, discrimination, and lots and LOTS of bullying. I should know by experience. I've also eavesdrop other staff members at times and once, I heard that some kid was hanging with the special ed kids at the school's running yard. Another kid started teasing the kid for hanging out with the special ed kids and they started a brawl. Even though they're two years younger in grade, that just shows that every generation that comes, this stereotype will continue to occur for quite a long time.
Perhaps the most discrimination I've ever received is from my own family. From Uncles to Grandparents, It's hard to keep a real smile on your face even through the happiest of days. I never tell my family how I feel, but I always struggle to have a happy day whenever this occurs. A good example of this was when we had a family party on Valentines Day a few months ago. One of my cousins, Aunt, and Uncle live around Highland Park, CA. I live around 10 miles from their house (closer to Downtown LA by any means) and they are a pretty nice family. They have a bigger income, a bigger house, and a bigger family. Of course, that doesn't mean they also have their flaws. I'm the only kid from the whole family with a disability (besides another cousin of mine but I don't see him anymore) so I'm really set apart from the rest. Sure, my cousins forgot or don't care about my disability so they treat me as normal and I blend in with the rest. However, that's a different story with my Aunts and Uncles. I have received lots of hateful comments from them throughout my life, but perhaps the most intense one had to be on that day. My mom hadn't arrived that day to the party as she needed extra time to get ready so me and my sister arrived first. We were all sitting down at the party table (my cousins were in the house doing whatever) and they started eating. I was examining the food around me and none of it seemed appealing. Like I mentioned, the only signs of autism that I show is low-food diversity and fear of loud noises (I mean thunder) so it isn't too bad, until my weakness is found. I didn't eat throughout the first 10 minutes of the feast. Finally, one of my aunts figured that I wasn't eating anything so they asked what's wrong? I answered that I didn't like any of the foods that was being served and I was going to wait for my mom to bring me something appealing. My aunt slowly inched away from me and she continued to eat, but as everyone was hearing this, one of my uncles did the most embarrassing thing to me, and the payback that I did only got me into trouble. My uncle said "he doesn't eat anything, he needs to have his mom bring foods that he likes." My aunts and uncles started laughing at me and I couldn't believe at what I was hearing. I felt like crying for hearing this. I could've gone inside the house and cry for quite a while but as soon as he yelled as to make me mad "needs food to be brought to him from his mom!", I snapped from the inside and I felt like yelling, but not just any yelling, payback. A few seconds after that occurred, I yelled "you know what!" Everyone stopped laughing and they got scared. I kept yelling "You are such a drunkee! Honestly, whenever you drink, you become the laughingstock of the family! You also snore really loud that I can hear you across the city!" Everyone got their attention and started laughing at my uncle instead. I felt proud that not only I got payback, but I was able to defend myself at a situation like this. However, when my mom was told the news when she arrived, I was punished and I couldn't believe it.
As you can see a countless amount of times, I have been through quite a lot from a very young age. While people say this is a stage in my life, I say I'm stuck writing blogs and sharing my past experiences so I can lend a helping hand. Another kid could be writing this right now, sharing their experiences, lifestyle, and desires, but somehow all the events that has occurred has brought me to today, being an autistic advocate. I would never imagine myself being this from such a young age, because I back then use to make fun of the other kids with disabilities. I would say their nothing just like me and we can't achieve anything. I feel like such a fool for calling those kids harmful things but back then, I was just like everyone else. While writing these blogs, I go think back of all the negative things that have occurred, and I sprinkle it with recent positive events. I hate looking back at my past because that was when I was given the most discrimination. Despite all the hate and doubt, I am bound to prove everyone wrong and seek a bright future with a bright present. Right now, I am proud to help these amazing people, because the feeling of helping others is unforgettable. These kind of moments should be cherished because you look back and say "I am proud for doing that."
Well my hands are cramped :). Another end to another blog. Make sure to read my other blogs as they give you a bigger insight of my lifestyle. As always, leave a comment if you need any questions, concerns, or...comments. Also, smash that follow button if you wouldn't want to miss a blog because so far, I hadn't been keeping my constant Saturday posts due to large amounts of homework but hey, that's high school for you.
So I reviewed on a earlier blog how I started being aware of my autism and how I became an autistic advocate, but it goes back way earlier than 2nd grade. It started right around preschool! Well, to be fair, the only thing I remember from that class is about a minute of running around a playground, and running back to a classroom. I was in a special ed setting back then (as much as it hurts to say it), and after preschool, came kindergarten. Believe it or not, I went to five different elementary schools, and all for one reason. Somehow, some kid figured out the truth and they bullied me because of the truth. School after school after school, I wasn't comfortable with the kids teasing me, though at that time I didn't understand why though they somehow did. Only one time was it my fault that the kids knew my secret and it was during the second grade. I mainstreamed out of the second grade and since I was still at that same school, me and someone else that I can't remember were walking near the special ed classrooms (a fence separates the regular and special ed classrooms), and I was so dumb enough to tell the kid that I used to be on the other side of the fence. He asked me if I was special ed and I even dumber answered yes. I don't remembered much else besides more teasing and bullying the next day at school. It hurts me so much how I had to suffer through all this just because of who I was. My mom thinks that being embarrassed of who I am is just a stage in my life and I'm going to eventually get over it, but it's not. I went through so much when I was little and that can't never be forgotten. That's also the reason why I hadn't told anyone that I write blogs. They most likely wont understand the meaning behind this, and their going to think I'm insane publically posting these blogs, but it's not! My family doesn't understand that I'm doing this to make a difference. I'm doing this so I can help another kid or whoever it might be that's feeling the exact way that I am, because I know the large amount of pain that it can create when no one is on your side. I want to show them that they're not alone, they should stick up for what they believe in, and nothing can change them. Of course, this is only of those who are embarrassed of the truth. If another kid doesn't even mind at all, I won't change their opinions. It's their life and not mine.
It doesn't stop there. The hate, discrimination, understatements, just keeps on flowing. Another reason why I started writing blogs was because I felt bad when I hear others using that word autistic in a bad way. These stereotypes are annoying such as "they can't be independent" or "they can actually do this" or "having autism is such a shame." You guys have no idea how much I used to receive these kinds of comments that give me beliefs that I wouldn't be able to succeed in any way. Even though I now realize that's not the case, I know it still isn't other kid suffering through this because I witnessed it myself one time. About four months ago, the only other special ed student in my Algebra 1 class went up to the teacher. I sit right near the teacher and I'm also separated from the students (not for any bad reason) and of course I overheard the entire conversation. The kid was asking if their was any way that he can raise up the F that he had in the class. The teacher answered that his only hope was the finals. He said, oh no I can't possibly pass that. The teacher asked why? And he answered that he was special ed. As soon as I heard that, I started to cry a little. Even though he isn't my friend or someone I talk to frequently, it hurt me that even he was doubting himself for who he was, but as I later learned more, I realized that it wasn't his fault as even his family seemed a bit ashamed for even having him. I couldn't believe what I was hearing through my ear-holes (or whatever they're called) and I was quite disappointed at the ending result. He moved out of the school about three months and I hadn't seen or heard of him ever since. Even to this day, I still remember that shameful day that someone had to experience. It wasn't their fault to begin with, so why must they suffer an unnecessary insult? It just seems normal now in days for kids with disabilities to be the main targets of hate, discrimination, and lots and LOTS of bullying. I should know by experience. I've also eavesdrop other staff members at times and once, I heard that some kid was hanging with the special ed kids at the school's running yard. Another kid started teasing the kid for hanging out with the special ed kids and they started a brawl. Even though they're two years younger in grade, that just shows that every generation that comes, this stereotype will continue to occur for quite a long time.
Perhaps the most discrimination I've ever received is from my own family. From Uncles to Grandparents, It's hard to keep a real smile on your face even through the happiest of days. I never tell my family how I feel, but I always struggle to have a happy day whenever this occurs. A good example of this was when we had a family party on Valentines Day a few months ago. One of my cousins, Aunt, and Uncle live around Highland Park, CA. I live around 10 miles from their house (closer to Downtown LA by any means) and they are a pretty nice family. They have a bigger income, a bigger house, and a bigger family. Of course, that doesn't mean they also have their flaws. I'm the only kid from the whole family with a disability (besides another cousin of mine but I don't see him anymore) so I'm really set apart from the rest. Sure, my cousins forgot or don't care about my disability so they treat me as normal and I blend in with the rest. However, that's a different story with my Aunts and Uncles. I have received lots of hateful comments from them throughout my life, but perhaps the most intense one had to be on that day. My mom hadn't arrived that day to the party as she needed extra time to get ready so me and my sister arrived first. We were all sitting down at the party table (my cousins were in the house doing whatever) and they started eating. I was examining the food around me and none of it seemed appealing. Like I mentioned, the only signs of autism that I show is low-food diversity and fear of loud noises (I mean thunder) so it isn't too bad, until my weakness is found. I didn't eat throughout the first 10 minutes of the feast. Finally, one of my aunts figured that I wasn't eating anything so they asked what's wrong? I answered that I didn't like any of the foods that was being served and I was going to wait for my mom to bring me something appealing. My aunt slowly inched away from me and she continued to eat, but as everyone was hearing this, one of my uncles did the most embarrassing thing to me, and the payback that I did only got me into trouble. My uncle said "he doesn't eat anything, he needs to have his mom bring foods that he likes." My aunts and uncles started laughing at me and I couldn't believe at what I was hearing. I felt like crying for hearing this. I could've gone inside the house and cry for quite a while but as soon as he yelled as to make me mad "needs food to be brought to him from his mom!", I snapped from the inside and I felt like yelling, but not just any yelling, payback. A few seconds after that occurred, I yelled "you know what!" Everyone stopped laughing and they got scared. I kept yelling "You are such a drunkee! Honestly, whenever you drink, you become the laughingstock of the family! You also snore really loud that I can hear you across the city!" Everyone got their attention and started laughing at my uncle instead. I felt proud that not only I got payback, but I was able to defend myself at a situation like this. However, when my mom was told the news when she arrived, I was punished and I couldn't believe it.
As you can see a countless amount of times, I have been through quite a lot from a very young age. While people say this is a stage in my life, I say I'm stuck writing blogs and sharing my past experiences so I can lend a helping hand. Another kid could be writing this right now, sharing their experiences, lifestyle, and desires, but somehow all the events that has occurred has brought me to today, being an autistic advocate. I would never imagine myself being this from such a young age, because I back then use to make fun of the other kids with disabilities. I would say their nothing just like me and we can't achieve anything. I feel like such a fool for calling those kids harmful things but back then, I was just like everyone else. While writing these blogs, I go think back of all the negative things that have occurred, and I sprinkle it with recent positive events. I hate looking back at my past because that was when I was given the most discrimination. Despite all the hate and doubt, I am bound to prove everyone wrong and seek a bright future with a bright present. Right now, I am proud to help these amazing people, because the feeling of helping others is unforgettable. These kind of moments should be cherished because you look back and say "I am proud for doing that."
Well my hands are cramped :). Another end to another blog. Make sure to read my other blogs as they give you a bigger insight of my lifestyle. As always, leave a comment if you need any questions, concerns, or...comments. Also, smash that follow button if you wouldn't want to miss a blog because so far, I hadn't been keeping my constant Saturday posts due to large amounts of homework but hey, that's high school for you.
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