my struggles in life
Someone told me the other day, why am I hiding this from my family, and why do I choose to remain anonymous from anyone else? I answered my family wouldn't understand why I'm doing this. The fact that I don't want anyone to see me as autistic, my mom sees that as a stage in my life that should go away in a while. My mom sees me as a 14 year old with high hopes of completing something huge that will never happen for me because of who I am. I hate it when I get treated differently by my WHOLE family just for who I am. So, whenever there's family gatherings, I rather stay inside my room by myself, because that's the way it has been my whole life, and it's going to stay this way until I go to college in another 4 years. Until then, my blogs have been my only way of expressing what I have to share to the whole world, what I can do to make a difference. Right now, there's been lots of complications in my life, I don't understand why it's been going bad for me, but like I said, this is all I have. I usually say this in the end of my blogs, but I want to implore it this time: please share my website or my Instagram page (which BTW is theautisticbloger) because I started making these blogs so I can lend a helping hand to other autistic individuals. As for why I stay anonymous, lets just say there are people who...never mind. Enough of that, for this blog, I want to share something that happened just a few days ago that involved keeping my disability a secret from my best friend. If their are other autistic individuals reading this and have also done similar things, you know how terrible this feels to do. (stay tuned for the end of this blog)
Wednesday, I was hoping that after school was going to be great for both me and my best friend Jake (he isn't autistic). My school was hosting it's 6th annual college fair which is basically a bunch of colleges, universities, community colleges, trade school, and even one Ivy League school coming together in different booths around the school and showing what they have to offer at their school. The club CSF (California scholarship federation) was hosting this event and since I'm in the club (trust me, it's hard to get accepted), I had to help in one of the booths by setting the place up and stamping other students stamp cards (more on that later). My friend and I got excused from 6th period so we could help set things up. Once we made it to the scene, their were already schools coming with their flyers and small gifts. I was chosen to represent Cal State Fullerton and my friend was chosen to represent Whittier College. I was a little disappointed that we were separated, but I was going to see him again after my shift ended at 4pm. During 6th period, I presented myself to the two chosen representatives from Cal State Fullerton and I was later given my stamp to stamp the other students stamp cards. About those stamp cards, the students would be given a stamp card and they would ask questions to receive a stamp for at least 10 different schools (there were 22 in total). Once they would complete the stamp card, they will turn it in exchange for a raffle ticket. Many raffles were held at the center of the school and $10 gift cards, jerseys, sweaters and other things were raffled. Once 6th period ended at 3pm, the kids all came and it was my time to work.
About two minutes after school ended, I gave my first stamp and I felt rather proud of doing so. It wasn't until three minutes later that I gave my second stamp. By the time it was 3:15, I was flooded by stamp cards as everyone would hand them out to me. I quickly became nervous because I was going rather slow and I wasn't able to keep up with the students demands. I saw a bunch of familiar faces throughout the event as I know the majority of students at my school. It was so frustrating that at one point, kids began to leave a pile of their stamp sheets in front of me. By the time it was about 3:50pm, the stamping started to dissipate. The college fair ended at 5pm but I found that too late for me. Once my 4pm-5pm replacement came, I said goodbye to the college representatives, handed my replacement all the objects, and left to my best friend. When I saw my best friend, he said he wanted to leave already, so we did just that. My sister and her friend were waiting for us right outside of school and when we came out, we started walking to catch the city bus. Once we made it to the bus station, I took out my TAP card (Los Angeles guys, you know what that means) and my 60¢ fare. Since I'm disabled (I honestly don't even want to consider myself that anymore), I carry a special TAP with my face and written in the front is in clear black font "disabled" (I hate carrying that thing around but my mom wants to save a few cents rather than saving my embarrassment). Since it was the first time that my friend went on the city bus, he noticed that I was holding on to my tap card (it was facing the other side so he didn't notice "disabled" (god I hate calling myself that) and he asked if he could see the other side of it. I quickly got nervous and I was yelling in my mind "he's going to know! He's going to know!"
I was a nervous wreck since I couldn't let him know. I answered "wait, I have to count my money" even though I already counted it. He answered "let me see it! I don't see anything wrong." In a miracle, a city bus passed but since it was full, it left without even stopping. My friend got shocked as he saw this and I found this a good opportunity to hide my tap card by dropping it to the ground and hiding it with my shoe. Once he turned to me, I acted like if I was daydreaming and when Jake called my name, I said "wait what?" I started acting confused as I said "wait, where's my tap?" He said "seriously, you lost it!" Then he noticed the small amount of cash in my hand. He asked "how much money is that?" I couldn't have hid this one so I gave him the money and showed it to him. Technically, for disabled (I hate this word) they only pay 50¢ but since I require to get a transfer which is a strip of paper that allows you to get in another bus of a different company for free but is only a one time use until you buy another one. For you know what, it 10¢ extra but for regular, it's 25¢. My friend noticed that I had 60¢ only and he asked "why only this amount?" I was thinking of a lie to say and the best one popped out. I answered "okay, I have to tell you the truth." He leaned closer to me (not in any weird way) and I answered "my sister doesn't have enough money (she had like $5 in quarters) so I'm going to put this money in as quick as possible and my sister will pay afterwards without the bus driver noticing." As soon as my friend heard that, he got his backpack in front of him, unzipped his side pocket and took out a quarter. He gave it to me and told me "I'm not going to let you get into trouble. Take this." He gave me the quarter along with the 60¢ and I felt really bad for lying to my best friend. I said "thank you" and the bus was already coming. Then, I got nervous because for regular fare, it's 75¢ and he gave me enough but to get a transfer, it's $1 and since I didn't have any extra money, I was toast.
Once the bus arrived, everyone started getting in and when no one was looking, I got my tap card from the ground and placed it inside my pocket. I went in the bus and I was two passengers away from paying my fare but my sister was already paying as I saw her get a transfer. I then paid my fare without getting a transfer and I sat down next to my friend. I was now thinking of a new plan on what I was going to tell my sister when she would find out that I didn't have a transfer. Once I got out of the bus, my friend's dad was already waiting for him in his car (for some reason he didn't want to drive all the way to the school) then my best friend left. My sister asked me if I had a transfer and I acted like I didn't know where it was. I then gave a fake shocked face and I answered "Oh, it was sticking out of my pocket and I didn't put it back in. I guess it fell out when I came out." My sister got mad and she gave me 50¢ (no transfer necessary for this bus) and she said "you owe me." I got upset as I went on the next bus and when I returned home. I went straight to the bathroom and I started crying. I felt bad for making my friend waste his money for me, telling him "no" for the first time, lying to him and my sister, and most importantly, keeping it a secret from him.
I had it close that day since I was lucky enough to create a plan to get out of it. That same person asked me from the beginning of the blog "how come you don't tell him the truth?" I answered "I'm afraid that he's going to treat me differently. And even if he doesn't, I been friends with him since preschool. I'm afraid that if I tell him, he's going to think that I don't trust him with secrets and he's going to befriend me for it. I felt bad that day because even though I done other scenes where I have to avoid people from knowing the truth, this one had been the most heartbreaking since it was my bestfriend who was the victim. He didn't say anything the next day, and I think he even forgot about it but I hadn't since he's missing the last puzzle piece to why I acted like that, and I can never forget that last missing piece, it's going to stick with me anyways forever.
This was my first blog that I wrote that involves a recent occurrence. I want to try something new, I'm going to ask a question and you guys can answer whatever you heart desires. I don't care if it's pretty accurate or if it breaks my heart, I still want to know your guys' opinion. Here it goes: should I have shown him the card when he asked or what I did was correct? I want you to comment your answer and yes I read them. Hope you guys enjoy this blog and like I said in the beginning, please share my blog! Also, follow if you want to stay tuned.
Wednesday, I was hoping that after school was going to be great for both me and my best friend Jake (he isn't autistic). My school was hosting it's 6th annual college fair which is basically a bunch of colleges, universities, community colleges, trade school, and even one Ivy League school coming together in different booths around the school and showing what they have to offer at their school. The club CSF (California scholarship federation) was hosting this event and since I'm in the club (trust me, it's hard to get accepted), I had to help in one of the booths by setting the place up and stamping other students stamp cards (more on that later). My friend and I got excused from 6th period so we could help set things up. Once we made it to the scene, their were already schools coming with their flyers and small gifts. I was chosen to represent Cal State Fullerton and my friend was chosen to represent Whittier College. I was a little disappointed that we were separated, but I was going to see him again after my shift ended at 4pm. During 6th period, I presented myself to the two chosen representatives from Cal State Fullerton and I was later given my stamp to stamp the other students stamp cards. About those stamp cards, the students would be given a stamp card and they would ask questions to receive a stamp for at least 10 different schools (there were 22 in total). Once they would complete the stamp card, they will turn it in exchange for a raffle ticket. Many raffles were held at the center of the school and $10 gift cards, jerseys, sweaters and other things were raffled. Once 6th period ended at 3pm, the kids all came and it was my time to work.
About two minutes after school ended, I gave my first stamp and I felt rather proud of doing so. It wasn't until three minutes later that I gave my second stamp. By the time it was 3:15, I was flooded by stamp cards as everyone would hand them out to me. I quickly became nervous because I was going rather slow and I wasn't able to keep up with the students demands. I saw a bunch of familiar faces throughout the event as I know the majority of students at my school. It was so frustrating that at one point, kids began to leave a pile of their stamp sheets in front of me. By the time it was about 3:50pm, the stamping started to dissipate. The college fair ended at 5pm but I found that too late for me. Once my 4pm-5pm replacement came, I said goodbye to the college representatives, handed my replacement all the objects, and left to my best friend. When I saw my best friend, he said he wanted to leave already, so we did just that. My sister and her friend were waiting for us right outside of school and when we came out, we started walking to catch the city bus. Once we made it to the bus station, I took out my TAP card (Los Angeles guys, you know what that means) and my 60¢ fare. Since I'm disabled (I honestly don't even want to consider myself that anymore), I carry a special TAP with my face and written in the front is in clear black font "disabled" (I hate carrying that thing around but my mom wants to save a few cents rather than saving my embarrassment). Since it was the first time that my friend went on the city bus, he noticed that I was holding on to my tap card (it was facing the other side so he didn't notice "disabled" (god I hate calling myself that) and he asked if he could see the other side of it. I quickly got nervous and I was yelling in my mind "he's going to know! He's going to know!"
I was a nervous wreck since I couldn't let him know. I answered "wait, I have to count my money" even though I already counted it. He answered "let me see it! I don't see anything wrong." In a miracle, a city bus passed but since it was full, it left without even stopping. My friend got shocked as he saw this and I found this a good opportunity to hide my tap card by dropping it to the ground and hiding it with my shoe. Once he turned to me, I acted like if I was daydreaming and when Jake called my name, I said "wait what?" I started acting confused as I said "wait, where's my tap?" He said "seriously, you lost it!" Then he noticed the small amount of cash in my hand. He asked "how much money is that?" I couldn't have hid this one so I gave him the money and showed it to him. Technically, for disabled (I hate this word) they only pay 50¢ but since I require to get a transfer which is a strip of paper that allows you to get in another bus of a different company for free but is only a one time use until you buy another one. For you know what, it 10¢ extra but for regular, it's 25¢. My friend noticed that I had 60¢ only and he asked "why only this amount?" I was thinking of a lie to say and the best one popped out. I answered "okay, I have to tell you the truth." He leaned closer to me (not in any weird way) and I answered "my sister doesn't have enough money (she had like $5 in quarters) so I'm going to put this money in as quick as possible and my sister will pay afterwards without the bus driver noticing." As soon as my friend heard that, he got his backpack in front of him, unzipped his side pocket and took out a quarter. He gave it to me and told me "I'm not going to let you get into trouble. Take this." He gave me the quarter along with the 60¢ and I felt really bad for lying to my best friend. I said "thank you" and the bus was already coming. Then, I got nervous because for regular fare, it's 75¢ and he gave me enough but to get a transfer, it's $1 and since I didn't have any extra money, I was toast.
Once the bus arrived, everyone started getting in and when no one was looking, I got my tap card from the ground and placed it inside my pocket. I went in the bus and I was two passengers away from paying my fare but my sister was already paying as I saw her get a transfer. I then paid my fare without getting a transfer and I sat down next to my friend. I was now thinking of a new plan on what I was going to tell my sister when she would find out that I didn't have a transfer. Once I got out of the bus, my friend's dad was already waiting for him in his car (for some reason he didn't want to drive all the way to the school) then my best friend left. My sister asked me if I had a transfer and I acted like I didn't know where it was. I then gave a fake shocked face and I answered "Oh, it was sticking out of my pocket and I didn't put it back in. I guess it fell out when I came out." My sister got mad and she gave me 50¢ (no transfer necessary for this bus) and she said "you owe me." I got upset as I went on the next bus and when I returned home. I went straight to the bathroom and I started crying. I felt bad for making my friend waste his money for me, telling him "no" for the first time, lying to him and my sister, and most importantly, keeping it a secret from him.
I had it close that day since I was lucky enough to create a plan to get out of it. That same person asked me from the beginning of the blog "how come you don't tell him the truth?" I answered "I'm afraid that he's going to treat me differently. And even if he doesn't, I been friends with him since preschool. I'm afraid that if I tell him, he's going to think that I don't trust him with secrets and he's going to befriend me for it. I felt bad that day because even though I done other scenes where I have to avoid people from knowing the truth, this one had been the most heartbreaking since it was my bestfriend who was the victim. He didn't say anything the next day, and I think he even forgot about it but I hadn't since he's missing the last puzzle piece to why I acted like that, and I can never forget that last missing piece, it's going to stick with me anyways forever.
This was my first blog that I wrote that involves a recent occurrence. I want to try something new, I'm going to ask a question and you guys can answer whatever you heart desires. I don't care if it's pretty accurate or if it breaks my heart, I still want to know your guys' opinion. Here it goes: should I have shown him the card when he asked or what I did was correct? I want you to comment your answer and yes I read them. Hope you guys enjoy this blog and like I said in the beginning, please share my blog! Also, follow if you want to stay tuned.
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