I can
People never understand that autism doesn't define the individual. It took me years to realize this. Eventually, through bullying, discrimination, and events that I had to witness, everyone including me, realized that I can do things that any other individual can do, if not better. People hindered me from achieving greater things in the past because they only saw the outside of me. They never understood that I was capable of handling what they thought was too difficult tasks. I was doubting myself for years, and around the same time, I would be doing the golden gate bridge, Eiffel tower, and the statue of liberty out of paper, as well as making 100 page stories (some were 200). What other 10 year boy was able to accomplish that? I obviously knew that I had such an amazing talent that made me, me, even though it took me years to figure out. It really is crazy when I say that my disability was actually giving me an advantage, and in reality everyone on the spectrum is actually having an advantage. Of course, I didn't always feel this way, and in today's blog, I want to share the days where I wished that I wish I wasn't even born because of who I was. What was I even thinking back then?
It all started when I allowed random individuals to get the best of me, specifically first grade. You know, the grade that I wish I never had to go through because it's the only year where kids similar to me bullied me. I also dreaded being locked inside the "cage." (Basically the special ed kids were in another setting inside the same school, but their was a fence around the setting to prevent any student inside to enter the normal setting. So ya, pretty much a cage). I was the student in the class that was the most observed throughout the year, by the RSP teacher, other teachers, and once the vice-principal and principal came to talk to me. So why me from about 25 other kids? I was the student that was making the most progress out of anyone. I would always have the most gold stars out of anyone every single week (yep my teacher used that system). Despite having this steady progress, many of the staff members that observed me projected that I wouldn't mainstream out of the special ed setting either way because of one thing, I was too hyperactive. Like I mentioned before, I would always run around the class, I chewed on my class assignments, and I had a fear of fire alarms, and just my luck, my school had a practice fire drill once a month. They basically preferred my social skills rather than academic skills to mainstream. So basically, they saw that I can't mainstream just yet. Of course, since social skills meant way more to them, I had to show that I was able to show a strength in that area. Of course I didn't know about none of this back then, so becoming best friends with someone was totally coincidental. Anyways, for those who have read my previous blogs, you probably know Renato. I became best friends with him after he moved schools a little over halfway through the school year. Thanks to him, my social skills increased radically as I actually had someone to play with during lunch and nutrition now. I wouldn't run around the class anymore and yell loud. Eventually, my mom got called from the school for my teacher to explain the amount of improvement within me, and they decided that they did wanted to mainstream me. Thanks to Renato, my best friend, that I had to leave behind, I showed the staff members that I can.
There was also the temporary stage in my life where I hated myself a lot because of who I was. Around two years ago, with my aunts and uncles bullying me at a all time high, and the eight grade incident where I denied access to the accelerated English class even though I surpassed the requirements, I locked myself in my room and I cried for hours almost every day because all the discrimination that I had to go through made me feel weak and useless. I literary had no one to talk to, because my mom, my dad, and my sister didn't (and still doesn't) understand what I was going through, my cousins didn't like this stage a lot because I would talk smack about their parents, and since it was their mom's and dad's that I was saying a bunch of bad things about, they stopped talking to me for a while (even though they shouldn't have because they saw what they done to me in the past), and my friends didn't know my secret. Only my cousin with the same disability as me continued to talk to me, but I couldn't ever express my feeling towards him because he didn't know how to respond. At this point, I was even willing to tell my RSP teacher what was going on, because at school, at least I felt like I didn't have any troubles (besides the whole I hate the counselors thing), and my friends were by my side throughout the day. I remember the day that I actually walked in the RSP room and saw him sitting down doing some files. He said "Long time no see, what happened?" I was ready to release all my emotions and finally have someone to talk to, but then I realized, I don't trust him a lot. In the beginning of eight grade, I remember telling him something that I didn't want my mom to know, being that I (used to) chew on water bottle caps because they soothe me and I feel relaxed. In the IEP meeting a month later, he didn't tell my mom what I said, but he wrote it down in the report. My mom saw it and ever since then, I didn't feel like trusting him with my secrets again. Sure, he was a pretty nice person, but not a good one to trust secrets with. Again he asked "you need something." I answered "my mom needs another copy of the IEP." He asked "why does she need that, your IEP was seven months ago." I didn't know what to respond with, so I got nervous and I looked down. I just faked smiled at him as a response, because he noticed that I wasn't saying anything. Then he said "alright, I'll reprint another copy of the IEP report, wait right here." As he left to the printer room, I cried a bit because I realized that I don't have anyone to express my feelings to, and this made me feel even more weaker. He came back, handed me the IEP report that I didn't needed, and I left. For five months, I didn't know who to talk to, so I just cried inside my room, saying why did I have a disability because people only make fun of me because of who I am. I was embarrassed of who I was, and the worst part was that I couldn't tell anyone.
There was a special at the theaters somewhat near my house one night, and my friends were all making plans to go to the movies that night. I knew that my mom wasn't going to let me go there because she thought that because of my disability, I was going to wander off (even though that was never the case for me). So I told her that I had tutoring so I can do extra credit that night, and she believed me. Once school ended, we all went to the movies and we watched a funny movie whos name I can't remember anymore. Anyhow, as I was watching the movie, I realized, I am hanging out with my friends and nothing serious is happening to me. It was the last week of eight grade, so we celebrated our success (mainly mine, since I got five awards). I thought to myself, if I tell my mom that I went to the movies and nothing serious happened to me, she'll let me hang out with my friends more often because I showed her that my disability doesn't come in the way. Anyways, once the movie finished, some of my friends parents came to pick them up and I walked home with one of my friends. Once I arrived home, I knocked on the door and my mom was shocked to see me knocking on the door. She opened the door asking "you came home by yourself!" I was excited to tell her the news. I knew she was angry at me because I wasn't allowed to walk by myself at all, but I said "mom, I went to the movies with my friends! See, I can hang out with them now because nothing serious happened to me." Ya, I didn't know what I was thinking back then, but during this time, I was in a stage where I wanted to show everyone that I can do things that people think I can't, after I was accepted back to the accelerated English class. Anyways, I got grounded for the first month of summer vacation and it was extremely unfair because it's not my fault that she doesn't want me to have a social life. The last day of my punishment, I was just laying down on my bed when she came in the room. I was still extremely mad at her and I rarely talked to her throughout the whole month. She said "what you did wasn't right so you had to pay for what you did." Let's just say, I cursed a lot when I responded back, so I'll give you the simpler version of what I said. I said "You don't understand at all that I have to pay for what you did! You don't want me to hang out with my friends because of some disability that doesn't even affect me anymore." She said the worst response ever "those straight A's were out of sheer coincidence." I got so angry at her that I marched out of the room and I slammed my room's door, and then I went to the restroom and I began to cry more than ever. I felt like running away, because I didn't want to be with people like these. I hated myself, I cried for hours, and I didn't know what to do because I had no one on my side.
My first day of high school was two weeks away, and I didn't want everything that happened in elementary and middle school to happen all over again. I didn't know who to talk to, and I really needed someone, just someone, so I can release all of my emotions. Hours later, I got a call from one of my cousins (not the autistic one), and I was surprised because I thought he was mad at me. I answered "hello?" He said "oh sorry, wrong number." He was about to hang up the phone when I yelled "wait!" He said "what do you want?" I answered "I need someone to talk to, I can't handle anything anymore." So I told him everything that I went through for the past five months. After I finished, he said "and you didn't tell anyone what was bothering you?" I said "I didn't have anyone to talk to. I would've called you way earlier but you're still mad at me." Then he said "what? Everyone only stopped talking to you because we assumed you wanted some alone time." I was extremely dumbfounded that my cousins stopped talking to me only because they thought that I needed some alone time. At last, the last of my troubles were past me, because I began to skyrocket in high school, getting straight A's in 9th grade, and now, having all of my classes accelerated or I am in a class that I was supposed to take later. My aunts and uncles still don't like me, but now that I'm old enough, I realize that once I go to a university, I don't have to see them ever again, because it's my life and I can do whatever I want. I'm glad that I have my cousins to support me because I can tell them anything and share my secrets. I'm also glad that I have best friends to hang out with also, because without them, I wouldn't be where I'm at right now. Lastly, this might sound a bit weird but I'm glad that I have a disability. Why do I say this, after I went through so much in the past. Sure, I went through so much, but thanks to those events, I was able to learn from them and evolve into someone that I never though a 15 year old autistic teenager would be; an autistic advocate.
That's the end of this blog. Thank you to everyone who made it to the end of this blog! I hope you enjoyed my latest blog, because I put a bunch of work into them so I can give good quality for my readers. As always, comment away if you want me to hear you guys out, and also why not give this page a follow if you want to read my blogs before I announce them in my Instagram page. As always, have a great day :)
It all started when I allowed random individuals to get the best of me, specifically first grade. You know, the grade that I wish I never had to go through because it's the only year where kids similar to me bullied me. I also dreaded being locked inside the "cage." (Basically the special ed kids were in another setting inside the same school, but their was a fence around the setting to prevent any student inside to enter the normal setting. So ya, pretty much a cage). I was the student in the class that was the most observed throughout the year, by the RSP teacher, other teachers, and once the vice-principal and principal came to talk to me. So why me from about 25 other kids? I was the student that was making the most progress out of anyone. I would always have the most gold stars out of anyone every single week (yep my teacher used that system). Despite having this steady progress, many of the staff members that observed me projected that I wouldn't mainstream out of the special ed setting either way because of one thing, I was too hyperactive. Like I mentioned before, I would always run around the class, I chewed on my class assignments, and I had a fear of fire alarms, and just my luck, my school had a practice fire drill once a month. They basically preferred my social skills rather than academic skills to mainstream. So basically, they saw that I can't mainstream just yet. Of course, since social skills meant way more to them, I had to show that I was able to show a strength in that area. Of course I didn't know about none of this back then, so becoming best friends with someone was totally coincidental. Anyways, for those who have read my previous blogs, you probably know Renato. I became best friends with him after he moved schools a little over halfway through the school year. Thanks to him, my social skills increased radically as I actually had someone to play with during lunch and nutrition now. I wouldn't run around the class anymore and yell loud. Eventually, my mom got called from the school for my teacher to explain the amount of improvement within me, and they decided that they did wanted to mainstream me. Thanks to Renato, my best friend, that I had to leave behind, I showed the staff members that I can.
There was also the temporary stage in my life where I hated myself a lot because of who I was. Around two years ago, with my aunts and uncles bullying me at a all time high, and the eight grade incident where I denied access to the accelerated English class even though I surpassed the requirements, I locked myself in my room and I cried for hours almost every day because all the discrimination that I had to go through made me feel weak and useless. I literary had no one to talk to, because my mom, my dad, and my sister didn't (and still doesn't) understand what I was going through, my cousins didn't like this stage a lot because I would talk smack about their parents, and since it was their mom's and dad's that I was saying a bunch of bad things about, they stopped talking to me for a while (even though they shouldn't have because they saw what they done to me in the past), and my friends didn't know my secret. Only my cousin with the same disability as me continued to talk to me, but I couldn't ever express my feeling towards him because he didn't know how to respond. At this point, I was even willing to tell my RSP teacher what was going on, because at school, at least I felt like I didn't have any troubles (besides the whole I hate the counselors thing), and my friends were by my side throughout the day. I remember the day that I actually walked in the RSP room and saw him sitting down doing some files. He said "Long time no see, what happened?" I was ready to release all my emotions and finally have someone to talk to, but then I realized, I don't trust him a lot. In the beginning of eight grade, I remember telling him something that I didn't want my mom to know, being that I (used to) chew on water bottle caps because they soothe me and I feel relaxed. In the IEP meeting a month later, he didn't tell my mom what I said, but he wrote it down in the report. My mom saw it and ever since then, I didn't feel like trusting him with my secrets again. Sure, he was a pretty nice person, but not a good one to trust secrets with. Again he asked "you need something." I answered "my mom needs another copy of the IEP." He asked "why does she need that, your IEP was seven months ago." I didn't know what to respond with, so I got nervous and I looked down. I just faked smiled at him as a response, because he noticed that I wasn't saying anything. Then he said "alright, I'll reprint another copy of the IEP report, wait right here." As he left to the printer room, I cried a bit because I realized that I don't have anyone to express my feelings to, and this made me feel even more weaker. He came back, handed me the IEP report that I didn't needed, and I left. For five months, I didn't know who to talk to, so I just cried inside my room, saying why did I have a disability because people only make fun of me because of who I am. I was embarrassed of who I was, and the worst part was that I couldn't tell anyone.
There was a special at the theaters somewhat near my house one night, and my friends were all making plans to go to the movies that night. I knew that my mom wasn't going to let me go there because she thought that because of my disability, I was going to wander off (even though that was never the case for me). So I told her that I had tutoring so I can do extra credit that night, and she believed me. Once school ended, we all went to the movies and we watched a funny movie whos name I can't remember anymore. Anyhow, as I was watching the movie, I realized, I am hanging out with my friends and nothing serious is happening to me. It was the last week of eight grade, so we celebrated our success (mainly mine, since I got five awards). I thought to myself, if I tell my mom that I went to the movies and nothing serious happened to me, she'll let me hang out with my friends more often because I showed her that my disability doesn't come in the way. Anyways, once the movie finished, some of my friends parents came to pick them up and I walked home with one of my friends. Once I arrived home, I knocked on the door and my mom was shocked to see me knocking on the door. She opened the door asking "you came home by yourself!" I was excited to tell her the news. I knew she was angry at me because I wasn't allowed to walk by myself at all, but I said "mom, I went to the movies with my friends! See, I can hang out with them now because nothing serious happened to me." Ya, I didn't know what I was thinking back then, but during this time, I was in a stage where I wanted to show everyone that I can do things that people think I can't, after I was accepted back to the accelerated English class. Anyways, I got grounded for the first month of summer vacation and it was extremely unfair because it's not my fault that she doesn't want me to have a social life. The last day of my punishment, I was just laying down on my bed when she came in the room. I was still extremely mad at her and I rarely talked to her throughout the whole month. She said "what you did wasn't right so you had to pay for what you did." Let's just say, I cursed a lot when I responded back, so I'll give you the simpler version of what I said. I said "You don't understand at all that I have to pay for what you did! You don't want me to hang out with my friends because of some disability that doesn't even affect me anymore." She said the worst response ever "those straight A's were out of sheer coincidence." I got so angry at her that I marched out of the room and I slammed my room's door, and then I went to the restroom and I began to cry more than ever. I felt like running away, because I didn't want to be with people like these. I hated myself, I cried for hours, and I didn't know what to do because I had no one on my side.
My first day of high school was two weeks away, and I didn't want everything that happened in elementary and middle school to happen all over again. I didn't know who to talk to, and I really needed someone, just someone, so I can release all of my emotions. Hours later, I got a call from one of my cousins (not the autistic one), and I was surprised because I thought he was mad at me. I answered "hello?" He said "oh sorry, wrong number." He was about to hang up the phone when I yelled "wait!" He said "what do you want?" I answered "I need someone to talk to, I can't handle anything anymore." So I told him everything that I went through for the past five months. After I finished, he said "and you didn't tell anyone what was bothering you?" I said "I didn't have anyone to talk to. I would've called you way earlier but you're still mad at me." Then he said "what? Everyone only stopped talking to you because we assumed you wanted some alone time." I was extremely dumbfounded that my cousins stopped talking to me only because they thought that I needed some alone time. At last, the last of my troubles were past me, because I began to skyrocket in high school, getting straight A's in 9th grade, and now, having all of my classes accelerated or I am in a class that I was supposed to take later. My aunts and uncles still don't like me, but now that I'm old enough, I realize that once I go to a university, I don't have to see them ever again, because it's my life and I can do whatever I want. I'm glad that I have my cousins to support me because I can tell them anything and share my secrets. I'm also glad that I have best friends to hang out with also, because without them, I wouldn't be where I'm at right now. Lastly, this might sound a bit weird but I'm glad that I have a disability. Why do I say this, after I went through so much in the past. Sure, I went through so much, but thanks to those events, I was able to learn from them and evolve into someone that I never though a 15 year old autistic teenager would be; an autistic advocate.
That's the end of this blog. Thank you to everyone who made it to the end of this blog! I hope you enjoyed my latest blog, because I put a bunch of work into them so I can give good quality for my readers. As always, comment away if you want me to hear you guys out, and also why not give this page a follow if you want to read my blogs before I announce them in my Instagram page. As always, have a great day :)
Comments
Post a Comment